The Difficulties of Loving

by Bruce Linton, Ph.D

There is no more difficult task in life than having a satisfying marriage. As we approach Valentine's Day, our "national" holiday for celebrating the one we love, I think a closer look at how we can have a satisfying marriage might be valuable.

Divorce is a well-researched subject, but what it takes for a marriage to endure is less well understood. Many men and women often feel that a personally satisfying marriage is not really possible, that marriage is something you tolerate, in the service of raising children and being a family. Today there are both women and men who feel that the gender differences between the sexes make it impossible to expect that men and women can be emotionally close or intimate. As a family therapist, I have consulted with many couples who have felt their own parents just survived being together but never experienced any real joy or energy in their marriage. Many individuals think they must give up on having a meaningful and fulfilling marriage and accept that raising children and finding some financial stability is the best they can hope for.

Not true! Although marriage is fragile and difficult, it is possible to understand how you can work toward a marriage that is inspiring and satisfying.

Life is difficult today. Economic demands are intense. There are many competitive pressures on our lives. Our lives have become more and more impersonal. A marriage can become a refuge and oasis to help balance the depersonalizing forces assaulting our lives. If a couple chooses to have children, they can make a connection with the continuity of time that raising children brings.

While marriage is both a complex and fragile relationship, perhaps more than at any other time in history, it has become easy to give up on it and leave. Statistics do not look good: 50% of marriages end in divorce. In the past, law, religion, traditions, and family values helped keep people trying to work on their relationships. Today staying married is totally voluntary. The ease of getting a divorce allows couples to quickly and simply decide they want out.

There is no other relationship, no other endeavor we undertake in life that we get less information about than marriage. Little instruction, less information and few role models exist to help guide us through the often stormy waters. Marriage, I believe, is a doorway to a truly deeper understanding of ourselves, as we struggle to make our relationship with our partner work. Being able to acknowledge our conflicts and struggle with those conflicts in the relationship takes courage and hope. The subtle childhood needs we bring to our marriages cause tension and also point to the creative edge of our own personal growth.

We are not prepared for this kind of "work." We are taught to view marriage as something that will bestow "happiness" and "fulfillment" upon us. We are not told that learning to love another person will be difficult, tiring and frustrating. We tend to miss the "cues" that let us know that the problems in the marriage are really attempts to move closer, to be understood better, to be more intimate with our partners.

Marriage is an ongoing, lifelong process of working on something that is greater than either one of the individuals involved. It is more than a commitment to another person. It is a journey with specific landmarks and developmental transitions. Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee have outlined nine tasks that every marriage struggles with in their new book, "The Good Marriage." Here are the stages they see a marriage traveling through: