A Five Second Guide to Birth

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by Sam Holt

If you have just found this website, your wife is giving birth today and you are looking for some quick advice, here is a last minute guide to birth courtesy of guys from the Being Dad DVDs.

  1. Get set. Despite your patriotic and hereditary ability to be in denial about this, scientists tell us that at least since 1994, pregnancy usually ends in a baby.

  2. If it ends up a caesarean DO NOT peak over the green flap unless you are VERY sure you can handle it.

  3. Despite probably feeling like an emasculated mess who is contributing nothing, even just being there during the birth will make your wife feel better. You don't have to take charge, cheer her on or fix anything.

  4. Birth on average, is not a medical emergency. Trust nature to take care of things. Globally, it's been going on for a few years now.

  5. The angry "this is all your fault..." stage (it happens...!) is actually a routine result of a hormonal change during the process that signals the last stage of the birth process. But thinking about it, it probably is your fault, so suck it up, cowboy and let it slide.

  6. Don’t feel any pressure to be down the catching end. Do what you are comfortable with and be cool, calm and comfortable in your own skin for your wife's benefit.

  7. If you hear the word EPISIOTOMY or see a pair of scissors emerge, become consumed with interest in any thing else that you can find to look at. Look away. This is very important to your future well being.

  8. Watching a small person come out of a big one is one of life's great unexpected spectacles (refer point 1). Prepare for immense pride in your wife's pain threshold and be thankful men are not required to do very much of this at all.

  9. Cut the cord. You will never forget it. The cord is, however, tougher and more sausagey than you expect. Do however, BE GENTLE and CAREFUL.

  10. As you were not paying attention in 10th grade science, you will be surprised by the birth of a second, slightly less attractive baby. This is called the placenta, and has been very important in protecting and nurturing your baby. It looks like a kilo of frozen meat in a plastic bag and is surprisingly big.

  11. The hospital stay will have put you in a false sense of security. Have the baby seat fitted professionally well before your missus goes into labor. When its time to drive home, putting the baby into the seat for the first time is one of the world's most complicated things. Unfortunately, this is strictly your department. Pray there is no video camera to record it. Drive carefully, dad.

About the authors: Troy Jones: Troy's company produced the Being Dad series and he has traveled the globe interviewing hundreds of new dads and experts. As a result we like to think of him as a "well renowned global guru in all things Being Dad;" sounds impressive anyway. Troy has a beautiful daughter Matilda, who appears in the Being Dad series.

Sam Holt: Best known for coming up with a new idea every five minutes it's little wonder that Being Dad was, in fact, his idea. Fortunately, Being Dad was one of Sam's better ideas and with the help of Troy and Tom it has grown way beyond all of their expectations. Sam has a son, Hugo, who is too cute to be his.

Tom Hastwell: Lured out of the corporate world by Sam and Troy, Tom has been bitten by the business bug. Troy and Sam are eagerly awaiting news that Toms wife is pregnant so that they can attach a camera crew to him for nine months and actually put him to work. Tom is currently practicing for kids.

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