by Sam Holt
I have spent the last two years making films in the US, Australia and the UK about becoming a dad. I've learned a lot about the dynamics of men and women as they progress through conception, pregnancy and birth and I've decided that my new mission is to help women, help their men be better pregnancy and birth partners and ultimately better dads.
So, where to start? Well my very good friends, let's get to the very crux of the parenting matter -- conception and sex.
How can make your life easier and increase the chances of getting him to perform in the bedroom to get you -- up the Duff? Ok, for some conception is a walk in the park and seems to happen as easy eating a bowl of cereal in the morning but for most of us it takes time. One of the most common "mis-conceptions" is that baby making is easy and fun but for most couples it can become a nightmare really fast.
There are some very important do's and don'ts that every woman out there needs to know to get the best performance from their steed. How can you keep him on the job at the crucial times without turning what should be everyone's favorite past time into an experience to rival milking time at the dairy?
I've prepared a list of the Top Ten Being Dad tips -- a stairway to conception if you will.
1. He's spent his whole life trying not to get women pregnant -- this requires a significant mind shift. Sounds silly but we are talking about reversing a lifetime of hard wiring. It's like trying to get a cat to bark. This is why some science, stealth and old-fashioned female hyjinx is required to get the best out of your conception efforts.
2. Make sure he’s 100% ready for you to be pregnant. Sounds silly but getting him to agree after a few beers isn't a real yes. Start talking about wills, school fees, life insurance and watch what color his skin turns. If he’s not 100% ready or at least as ready as he thinks he will ever be you could be in for a long road ahead.
3. There's no need to tell him when you’re ovulating -- it only builds pressure. This is the fundamental mistake made by ALL women. Honestly men don’t care when your mucous is at the right consistency and the thermometer is registering ‘fire in the hole’ it just builds pressure. They also don’t want to think the only reason you’re behaving like he is James Bond is because you want him to inseminate you.
4. Be realistic -- give yourselves a minimum of 12 months. The minute you start freaking out about not being pregnant after a month or crying because one of the Spears is pregnant again we start getting scared. If you are freaking out try not doing it around your man.
5. Have an agreement that he will ejaculate inside you where possible -- avoid disappointment. Sounds simple but given he's not going to know when you're DEFCON 5 and sitting on a fresh egg he might forget and spill the baby batter. There is nothing worse than having your partner irate at you for not being in the right place at the right time because it's a waste. It's very belittling and will make him feel like a prize goat, not a prize stallion.
6. No mention of thermometers, mucous levels, ovulation windows, etc., etc. These words, phrases and contraptions should never be mentioned -- full stop.
7. Lingerie works so does spicing things up a bit -- he'll fall for it every time. If your sex life isn't what it was in terms of frequency you're going to need to get back to the good old days. Get some new undies and get a bit adventurous and he'll be like a deer in the headlights.
8. No one likes to miss a party so try playing with yourself in bed while he's in there and the lights are out. It will drive him crazy. This one is a bit out there and maybe a bit contentious, but he won’t want to miss out on the fun.