by Nancy Carlsson-Paige

"I get so mad at my children sometimes, mostly when they fight, that I end up screaming -- no screeching -- at them. I even told them I hate them one time recently. I feel so out of control when I’m like that. I know I scare them. Then I feel so bad for unleashing my uncontrollable temper onto my kids."

When we're in an emotional state, we can't communicate or problem solve constructively. Our feelings hijack us,blocking our capacity to focus. We need to find ways to reduce the anger and begin to communicate again.

Learning to deal with our anger essential for conflict resolution. First, notice that you're getting angry. What's happening in my body? Is my breathing more rapid? Does my face flush? Is my voice rising or my heartbeat increasing? Then you can ask yourself, what is triggering my anger?

Next, see if you can lower the intensity of your feelings by breathing deeply, using "self talk," such as repeating a key calming word or phrase, or taking a step away for a moment, or just pausing and waiting. Try to communicate your anger in an "I" statement, using words that say what you feel, what is making you angry, and what you need.

Anger is often a secondary emotion, arising as a response to other emotions like fear, sadness, or insecurity. It can be a challenge to go inward and try to find the underlying feeling or need.

Marshall Rosenberg, director of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, explains that often what triggers our anger isn't its true cause; that is, it isn't what people do that makes us angry but something in us that responds to what they do. Try to go beyond the trigger and become more conscious of the need at its root. We get angry because our needs are not met, but often we're not in touch with those needs. Instead of recognizing them within ourselves we focus on what's wrong with other people.

What happens when we're dealing with an angry child? If the child is acting aggressively, it's vital to first ensure the safety of everyone involved. Once you've made sure everyone is physically safe, listen attentively to the angry child while he or she expresses feelings. Reflect back the essence of what you hear.

Sometimes this alone is enough, especially for a young child, to enable him or her to move beyond being upset. With younger kids anger often passes quickly, especially if they know they are being listened to and respected for how they feel.

For a child whose anger is not dissipating, suggest that they try one or two of the calming techniques mentioned above.

By helping kids develop inner life skills, we're putting in their hands new tools that will help them manage all kinds of life situations. And when there are conflicts, or kids are angry, we can call on these skills to help bring down tension and restore peace.

Nancy Carlsson-Paige, professor of education at Lesley University, is the author or co-author of five books, including Taking Back Childhood: Helping Your Kids Thrive in a Fast-Paced, Media-Saturated, Violence-Filled World. Nancy writes and speaks about how media and other social trends are shaping children and what parents and teachers can do to raise caring, compassionate children. For more information visit www.nancycarlssonpaige.org.

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