Nine Simple Mommy Secrets for Boosting Sibling Harmony

by Michele Borba, Ed.D.

I'll never forget the time one of my kids accused me of one of the truly Deadly Mommy Sins: "Loving the Other Brother More." To make things even worse, my girlfriend was the one to convey my youngest child's feelings to me. "Did you know that your youngest, precious child thinks you love your second offspring more?" I can remember not only her words, but where she relayed them to me. They caused such angst. Oh the guilt, the shame, the humiliation!

There are few crimes your child can accuse you of that make a mother feel more hurt and disgraced. And how could my son possibly feel I loved his brother more? I wracked my brain trying to figure that one. I'd always tried so hard to make things fair amongst my sons. After all, I went out of my way to make sure I showed up -- and on time, at that -- at the precise same number of their soccer games. I tallied the exact hours I volunteered in each of my children's classrooms to ensure I gave equal time. I even checked my Daytimer to make certain each child had the same number of play dates. And now I'm accused of being an unfair mother! I was devastated.

A few sleepless nights I finally had my "Ah Ha Mommy Moment." I realized that though I can try to make things appear even and equal for my kids, the fact is, it's just plain impossible. Besides, even trying to treat kids equally is plain unrealistic.

My three kids are as different as night and day just as I'm sure yours are as well. Our kids come packaged with different temperaments, interests, and needs. So we can't drive ourselves too crazy trying to make things always fair. It just isn't realistic. Besides, real life isn't fair. It was my Reality Check and became an important Mommy Secret to remind myself. The truth is, as much as we try to make our kids feel equally loved, they are bound to accuse us of showing "favoritism." It's up to we moms to keep things in perspective.



The real secret here is to try and minimize conditions that break down sibling relationships that can cause long-lasting resentment. Here's the bottom line: While some rivalry is plain unavoidable, mothers can discourage sibling disharmony by giving careful attention to how their household atmosphere is structured. Here are nine simple Mommy Secrets to guide you in minimizing jealousy and boosting harmony amongst your kids:

1. Give yourself a reality check.

Before you go beating yourself up, take a moment to seriously reflect on how you do treat your kids. A good question to ponder is: "If someone asked your child if you treat your kids fairly, how would he or she respond?" For instance: Does each kid feel like your favorite? Do you avoid comparing your kids in front of others? Do you provide opportunities for each child to nurture her special talents? Is there one thing you might do to change your behavior or interactions with your children to minimize their feelings of jealousy or rivalry?


2. Get in your child's shoes.

Pretend you really are in the shoes of the child who feels jealous. How would you feel if you were your kid? How would you act? Is his take on things right? If so, what will you do to change your relationship with this child so he feels just as special in your eyes? Write down your thoughts then commit to making that change happen.


3. Refrain from comparing behaviors.

Never compare or praise one kid's behavior in contrast to a sibling: it can create long-lasting strains. "Why can't you be more like your sister?" "Why aren't you organized like your brother?" All too easily, kids can interpret such comparisons as: "You think he's better than me" or "You love him more." It unfairly puts pressure on the sibling you praised and devalues your other child.


4. Listen openly to all sides.

Listening fairly your kids is not only a powerful way to convey that you respect each child's thoughts and want to hear all sides: "Thanks for sharing. Now I want to hear your brother's side." The key is to build a fair relationship with each sibling so that he or she knows not only that you value each opinion and you're an unbiased listener.