by Ann Douglas
It takes courage to try again when your previous pregnancy ended in miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. As you know only too well from past experience, there is no guarantee that you’ll end up with a storybook happy ending nine months down the road. While other pregnant women seem to have nothing more earth shattering to worry about than whether the nursery will get decorated in time for the baby's birth, you're focused on one question and one question only: will I actually end up with a healthy baby in my arms this time around?
The first thing you have to consider when you're planning a subsequent pregnancy is whether or not you're ready to start trying to conceive again. In addition to factoring in your physical readiness for another pregnancy, you need to consider how emotionally ready you are to step on board that roller coaster ride known as a subsequent pregnancy. That means weighing such factors as:
•Whether or not you've had the opportunity to work through some of your grief about the baby who died
•Whether your partner supports your decision to start trying again
•Whether you would be able to cope if you were to have trouble conceiving or if you were to experience another miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death
•Whether you're ready to cope with the stress of a subsequent pregnancy (a major consideration if your next pregnancy is likely to be classified as high risk) and
•Whether you actually want another baby -- or whether what you really want is the baby who died.
You may find that you have a burning need to become pregnant right away so that you'll have something to look forward to -- a reason to be happy again. Or you may find that you want to give yourself a bit more time to grieve the loss of your baby before you plunge into another pregnancy.
You may also feel quite strongly that you would like to allow certain significant milestones to pass before you become pregnant again -- the due date for the baby you lost, the anniversary of your baby's death, and so on.
The question of timing is very much a matter of personal choice. Health considerations aside, there's no "right" way to time your subsequent pregnancy.
Getting pregnant again won't make all your problems go away, of course. In fact, it'll simply make a whole flock of new problems appear on the horizon! Here are some tips on weathering the emotional highs and lows of pregnancy after a loss:
•Be prepared to experience a smörgåsbord of different emotions when the pregnancy test comes back positive -- everything from joy at being pregnant again to fear that something could go wrong this time, too, to guilt at "betraying" the baby you lost by moving on with your life.
•Put your support team in place. Surround yourself with people who are prepared to support you during the stressful months ahead. You might wish to join a face-to-face pregnancy after loss support group (if there's one available in your community) or you might want to join an online support group such as ours here at Pregnancy.org. At the very least, you should arrange for a friend or family member to accompany you to your prenatal appointments and/or ultrasound appointments in case you need some additional support.
•Make sure that you've got a supportive caregiver. You need a doctor or midwife who will understand that you will likely need extra reassurance -- and perhaps even extra prenatal visits -- this time around. If you're not getting that kind of care and support from your current caregiver, it's time to think about making a change.
•Find out as much as you can about the cause of your previous loss and what, if anything can be done to prevent the problem from recurring this time around. The more knowledge you have about the medical aspects of your pregnancy, the more in control you will feel.