Understanding a Spouse's/Partner's Grief in Pregnancy Loss

• Keep the lines of communication open. Do share your pain/feelings with your partner, but respect when he doesn't do the same.
• Understand that your spouse may express his grief in other ways. There does seem to be within them a need to be able to "do something". Perhaps you may see him throw himself into a project around the house or focusing his attention on something totally unrelated to family. Again, this does not mean that he cares less about the loss, but this may just be his method for dealing with his own pain. He may not be able to change the outcome, but he certainly can prove that he can "fix" something!
• Seek outside contacts. This may come through formal grief counseling but can be as simple as working through things with someone that has "been there / done that." Share company with other women who have similar stories of loss to share. They may be friends in your neighborhood, organizational groups that meet, or even through establishing ties online (such as message boards, chats, email lists.) Sometimes online support may be one of the best ways to deal due to that sense of anonymity allowing you to express feelings you may otherwise be too shy to share. All of these women will give you an understanding that may be lacking at home. That in turn, frees up your feelings of being let down by your spouse.
• Be prepared for the future. One or both of you may be wary of becoming pregnant again. Subsequent pregnancies may find less enthusiasm offered by your spouse. Knowing this ahead of time acknowledges the fact that he may be scared or reluctant to become "attached" to the new baby (or it could be you having these emotions!) Granted, understanding this doesn't necessarily make it easier to accept it though. Continue to talk and often!
• Work together to find a way to memorialize your child. Perhaps planting a tree or a garden, having a plaque made or purchasing a small angel to sit on your mantle. Even creating a web page in honor of your infant is an idea. Brainstorm and see what each of you comes up with.
• Finally, remember to focus on your relationship, particularly the intimacies with long walks, handholding, hours spent in pillow talk at night. Refrain from blame or separation. Allow this time to become one in which you are united, despite your different approaches to grief. Strengthen the bond between you rather than tearing it apart.

As you share in the things that brought you together, you will also find that you share in the healing process together -- just as it should be.

About the author: Melissa Jaramillo is a work-at-home mom. She has experienced several pregnancy losses.

Copyright © Melissa Jaramillo. Permission to republish granted to Pregnancy.org, LLC.