Annoyed, irritated, tired or hounded
Hurt, shocked, or disgusted
Once you've figured out what the child is getting from the misbehavior tell or show the child how to meet that purpose in a positive way.
Attention: You will feel irritated and annoyed, like your personal space is being violated. You will be tempted to either tell the child to go away or try to ignore it. Every time you stop to remind the child, you are giving the child a payoff. Although most experts will tell you to ignore attention-seeking behavior, if you've tried doing that you know it doesn't work. That's because the child has to know what to do, instead, before ignoring will work. To redirect attention-seeking behavior, you want to:
Power: You feel your authority is being challenged. You will be tempted to argue and put down your foot which will escalate the situation, or give in which gives a payoff. So to redirect this goal:
Revenge: The root of all revenge is hurt so if the goal is revenge, you will feel hurt, and you will be tempted to hurt the child, physically or emotionally which will escalate the situation. Showing your hurt gives the child a payoff and confirms that they succeeded. So, when your child does something revengeful to you, you must first:
Giving up: Of the four types intentional misbehavior, the child who is giving up is the most discouraged. If your child's goal is giving up, you will feel discouraged, hopeless and helpless. You will be tempted to try to motivate the child with praise which escalates the situation because praise actually makes the child feel under pressure to perform. The other extreme reaction is to give up on the child and agree they are inadequate! That may sound preposterous, but when we say things like, "Well maybe you just aren't good in sports," it confirms their insecurities. So to redirect this goal:
1. When in doubt, assume the misbehavior is unintentional and teach skills. If you are wrong, the child will go out of his/her way to show their behavior is deliberate, which is the key word in identifying "on-purpose" misbehavior.
2. Unintentional behavior can turn into intentional behavior if we react to it.