7wks down

i just went for days without being able to keep anything down and it was horrible i still get bad stomach cramps i hate feeling gross all the time i know its my own fault im a grownup and i have to be responsible for my actions but when will things start to get easier its funny how thinking about providing for another mouth makes you realize how other things are goin bad i want to be super excited about the baby but i just keep thinking how is this gonna affect my life what i want im trying to get things together to make sure the first two never need for anything ..... mustafa is kinda excited he wants a sister im sure its just because the one he has now is a whenever kinda case and jojo is sooo into being just like stafa he will do great he loves to help me...... but jojo im worried he will feel rejected he already hates for anyone to touch me i dont want him to feel like i love anyone more than him... wade thats another story its so hard to get him to activly participate with the first 3 one more might kill me it feels like im having another one buy myself one more person for me to take care of me to ckean up after i didnt make it alone why should i be punished there is still too much doubt im my mind to be ok with bringig another life into this madness for now i just feel bad .. bad that ill be doing less for my boys.. bad ill have to work harder for less.. bad ill have to fight for wade to help with another one of his children... bad that i made such a precious gift and im not head over heels excited and inlove with the idea i got alot of soul searching to do in the comming months