A New Life... For a Single College Mom

I stumbled upon this website tonight while looking for what to expect this week with my pregnancy. I'm glad i did, because I have been meaning to create a blog to record my first pregnancy experience. Overall I am pretty excited for the new addition to my life. However, it's very frightening at the same time. Since this is the first of many posts there is a lot to cover.

I'll start by stating some information about me, the mommy. I have naturally blonde hair, and blue-gray eyes. I'm a 19 year old college student at UNC-G. While that sounds scary... the scariest part is that I am single, but I will discuss that later. I'm majoring in art with a concentration in design, and I hope to one day full-fill all my dreams of dabbling in interior design, web design, graphic design, photography, and maybe even fashion design. As you can see this is a passion of mine. I plan to buy the professional camera I want in a few weeks with the help of my parents so I can record mine and my baby's life the way I want it recorded. Good baby portraits can be expensive, and I am very picky. I have also thought about a baby fashion line eventually. During the excitement of first finding out that I am bringing a new life into the world I have realized there aren't many affordable brands for baby clothes available for a fashion forward parent. I'd like to fix that. Just because I or anyone else is a single college mother with little income does not mean that my baby shouldn't look amazing. ; ) I also enjoy music. Although my baby isn't even an inch long I have already started to sing to him and play my flute for him. I hope he carries on the music tradition. His father is a drummer, guitarist... anything he wants to be really. And he is great at it.

Since I gave some insight into my mind I guess it is appropriate to discuss the father. His name is Steven, and he was my best friend of three or four years. We never dated. A couple days after I found out about the baby I went to tell him. We weren't on speaking terms before I found out. The day I went to his profile on myspace to send him a message (he had my number blocked before... I'm still not sure what really even happened between us) I found out he had already been dating another girl for a week at least. This took me by surprise considering he hadn't dated anyone since he moved to North Carolina from New Jersey four years ago. At first I was happy for him, because I wanted him to be happy, but then I remembered why I had went to his profile. My heart dropped. Exactly what would happen now? How would he take it? How would she take it? I told him I severely needed to talk to him, and he did talk to me. I guess he figured I was highly upset that he was in a relationship. I had feelings for him the entire time we were friends. That's why we were friends actually, but he never had the same feelings which is cool I guess. When I told him, he was just as scared as I was obviously. I guess it doesn't help that he had a reputation of being a sweet little innocent boy. We had been messing around since June, and no one knew. He didn't even have his first kiss until he got me pregnant. Anyway... basic information about him: He works at the Best Buy in Winston-Salem, and he absolutely loves his job. He has black hair, and gorgeous blue eyes. They're the same shade as mine. He is outgoing and cares about others more than anyone you can find. I guess that is why I find it ironic that he is not going to be there for me or his baby.

I've also had to change many plans that I have had laid out for my life. Some changes are for the better, but some are pretty disappointing. The plan was to go study abroad in Australia soon. Obviously that is not going to happen. That was a requirement for being in the honor's college at UNC-G. Now I'm not even sure if I'm going to be able to be in the honor's college, which I definitely deserve. As for the whole college situation, right now I am leaning towards being a part-time student. I'm going to have to get a full-time job to support myself and the baby, so full-time school along with that just does not seem likely. That will be okay though. I'm also going to get an apartment in Greensboro this fall. I'll have the help of some close friends Ben and Tabitha. Ben has said he would be the father figure in my baby's life which is really nice to hear. That was one of my first worries. He is also going to have some great aunts and uncles. Steve nor I have any siblings, but my close friends are very glad to be there and already look at him as family. Another thing I have always wanted to do is model for Playboy. This no longer seems realistic either. Along with the big changes I also have small inconveniences. For example, I go to Warped Tour every summer. That would be a very bad choice this summer. I normally don't have the money to go on a vacation so it is usually the one thing I look forward to. I guess I will just have to see exactly where life takes me.

My biggest worry about my baby is his father. I believe I have made that very apparent throughout this post. I love Steve to death, but I am not happy with him right now. I know it seems horrible that he is not taking any responsibility or being there for me, but this is not really the kind of person he is. I don't know if he realizes how badly his choices are effecting me right now. I have spent countless nights crying, because I have no clue how to tell my baby that his father does not want him. I am scared to death that we will see Steven out somewhere, and he will know that it is his father and ask why he is ignoring him. That will absolutely break my heart. I don't know whether I should tell him about his dad or wait until he is a lot older. I may never know what to do until it happens. I'm guessing that is a bridge I will have to cross when it comes.

I have already decided on names. I have a strong feeling it is a boy, but we'll see in a few months. If it is he will be called Landon Aiden Gwyn. A girl would be Marilyn Valencia Gwyn. (I am guessing they would have my last name. I don't believe Steve would want them to have Schramm.)

That is all I am going to write about tonight, but there will be many more posts to come. I am growing to love Landon more and more everyday. He is my strength and hope right now, and I feel very blessed despite the bad timing. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and if any of you have any comments or advice... PLEASE don't hesitate to contact me. I am a very nice girl and would love the support. I really don't have anyone that fully understands what having a life inside of you is like. My parents aren't being very supportive. I'd be very glad to be support for anyone else that may be going through the same situation. Now it's time for Landon and me to get some rest. : )

xoxo,
Heather and Landon.