A Very Long Night

heathur12's picture

Well, here I am again sitting up at 5:30 am. I understand how important it is for me to get rest right now, but I just cannot do it. I am more tired than I have ever been in my life, but once my head hits the pillow all I think about is Steve. I have not heard a word from him since I told him about the baby. The only thing anyone has even said about him is how he never answers his phone or how he never hangs out with them anymore. I don't understand why basically everyone has just lost all communication with him. Is he really that wrapped up in his new relationship? It really isn't like him. He always said he would not want a relationship like that, but here he is. If he is happy... that is good. But I am not sure the boy even exists anymore. I still love him with all my heart. I always have, and I always will. I just want to know that he is okay. I'm sure he is. I've always worried about him a little more than I'd worry about most people. I guess it is kinda worse now that I can't just pick up the phone and call to see if everything is going well with him. I know I should absolutely hate him right now. Most women would. But I just can't do it. His good qualities outweight the bad. I guess it doesn't help that I know this isn't the real Steve. Or at least not the Steve I and everyone else knew and loved. I probably sound extremely corny right now. Maybe it's the hormones.

I'm pretty sure I had my first weird craving today... or maybe it was just me being weird in general. A cheese quesadilla with peanuts. I'm not sure that I should be getting those yet, so it probably was just me being me. I don't even like peanuts though. Whatever.

I think I am also overly emotional right now, because I was going through my mac earlier and realized one of my Carmen Electra Aerobic Striptease videos had finished downloading. The plan was to lose weight and get the perfect body while learning some awesome striptease... but not to use in public to look like a slut of course. That was just one of my ambitions... to be able to give a perfect striptease. This happened to be the "fit to strip" edition, and I watched it. I started to do some of the exercises but decided that some of those positions and the intensity wasn't the best for Landon. So much for that. Maybe after I actually give birth. : ) We'll see.

I also got very emotional over the football games today. This isn't that ironic for me as I am a bigger football fan than most guys, but I was litterally in tears. My home team (Carolina Panthers) lost by 20 points to the Cardinals. Sure, it was disappointing, but it shouldn't have been the end of the world. Everyone thinks I'm just completely off my rocker (wow cliche). I really wish there was someone I could talk to that would understand all of this. I'm so sick of hearing "well it's okay." and "who cares about him" and "you can lose weight later." It's so not okay. Feeling the way I do is not okay at all. I need to be able to rest, to sleep, and to not be stressed for Landon. I don't know what I would do if I lost him now. And as far as "who cares about him"... I do. I care about him more than anyone realizes. He was always there for me. When I didn't eat for days and felt lightheaded and dizzy... he took me home. When I gave blood and was on the verge or passing out.... he was there. When I was crying my eyes out over the stupidest thing... he was there. When my boyfriend broke up with me out of no where... he was there. When I needed someone to call at 3am in the morning because I wanted to go get something to eat but was scared to walk outside that late alone... of course he was there. When my dad was being an ass... his arms were the only ones to ever be around me. And people wonder why I care. I just don't understand why he isn't here during the biggest event of mine and his lives so far. I need some answers. He is the only one that has them... and he is the only one that will not talk to me. I miss him so much. And I want him to be there for Landon just like he has always been there for me. Wow I am rambling. I think it's time for a close. So goodnight everyone. I think I will... well, I'm not sure what I'll do because I am wide awake. Steve, if you come across this by any chance, you still mean the world to me and if you ever want to come back to me and Landon, we are here waiting for you. Just say the word.