Adding Another tear to the page

My period is not quite two weeks late.

my fiancee and I are CONVINCED I am pregnant. So he wanted me to get a pregnancy test because "I can't wait any longer' as he kisses my stomach and rubs it..as if there is a baby already in there.

So I grab my fiancee, and my MALE roommate and we trek down in the Toronto snow storm to the closest pharmacy and muse and joke about the 6 different choices and 'the most advanced technology you'll ever pee on'

So with the 'most advanced technology I'll ever pee on' in my hand I walk into the bathroom, do what I have to do and wait.

Its negative.

Another no.

Another set of tears.

I walked out from the bathroom and my roommate asked if 'I peed yet' and I said yes 'and he said 'and'? and my Dear Fiancee waited with bated breath and I shook my head -- both men hung there heads down for a second; and someone (I think it was my roommate) asked 'how I felt about it.'

My immediate answer was to walk away and hide in my linen closet..it was a safe place for me when I was little, and even though I am in my twenties I always seemed to manage to hide in a linen closet whenever 'I need space' *sigh* My fiancee wouldn't let me.

He wanted to talk.

Why can't he just leave me alone?

He holds me. My head finds that perfect spot on his chest and I find myself sobbing. And, saying 'I'm sorry' -- I don't actually know WHY I'm apologizing, but the words come spilling forth from my mouth and I can't stop them.

he tells me that its okay, and that we can test again, and we always have next cycle - and other phrases that all seem to blend and cloud together in meaningless nothingness..I know he means well, but, I just wanna hide and cry.

We made a deal last November..that if we don't conceive with in the next year (Read: November 09) then we'll talk to my doctor..or go to a fertility specialist..he reminds me of this promise and I nod my head.

My tears dry, but apart of me still wants to hide.

I wonder..If I can handle more disappointment., but secretly calculate when I can test again.

Three more days.