Always an Aunt, Never a Mommy

So here I am, going through what should be one of the most exciting experiences of my life, and all I can do is feel sorry for myself.

I am officially the last female in my family to have a child. My unmarried sisters have had four children between them, my cousin who got married after me, just had her first baby, my sister-in-law conceived long before I considered it an option, and my husband's unmarried cousin is getting ready to try and conceive her second. So I am an aunt to many, and a mother to none.

I have been married over two years, and a friend that got married two weeks before me is due for her SECOND child (two in two and half years is a little crazy, but different strokes...) in a few months. A childhood friend who got married the same month as me, who lives with her mother and has major health problems that make it very dangerous for her to be pregnant and whose husband is unemployed, just called to say she is pregnant with her second as well.

I feel like my husband and I have a pretty perfect life...what I consider an ideal environment to raise a child in. We have a loving, wonderful relationship, a nice home, wonderful supporting family, great friends (who are all dying for us to have a baby, already!), and my husband has a great job that would allow me to stay at home and focus on a child. We are planning to raise our children in a Christian environment, and we are very involved in our church life.

We have only been trying to conceive for a few months, but based on my sisters' quick conceptions (they didn't try for any of their children and my oldest claims she had unprotected sex once for each child) I truly believed I would get pregnant immediately. I an charting, using ovluation kits, and have an ovulation calendar. I pay attention to all of the physical signs and have a pretty good idea of when I am ovulating.

Really I feel like a complete brat and I am embarrassed at my lack of patience (which has never been a virtue of mine). I know many people try for years to conceive. They get poked and prodded to overcome infertility, they experience miscarriages, and more disappointment than I have ever come close to experiencing.

I just need to get out how I am feeling. I feel very alone. I don't want to whine to anyone. The only people I feel comfortable talking to either have never had children, so they aren't much help, or they got pregnant without trying. He is getting better, but up to this point my husband has been pretty unaffected by each passing month. He thinks I am stressing too much, which is probably true, but it would be much easier on me if he would take ownership of our efforts the same way that I am.

I am trying to stay positive...I know God has a plan and He always knows best. When or if He wants us to conceive we will. For now, I will probably still continue to cry each time someone I know turns up pregnant. I will stare at women my age who have multiple children and think about how unfair it seems. I will try to let go of my impatience and let nature take its course.

Wish me luck!