Amanda's Journey In the beginning...

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Entry one

I figure my first entry should give a bit of background as to what has happened. We have been on a non-stop roller coaster of emotions since mid September.

It all started with Emilee getting sick mid September. Long story short, she ended up being hospitalized on September 28th. After all the stress that night, I found I was getting my period. It was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. I just lost it. Dh was wonderful and just held me. He knew that is all I needed right then.

Emilee was released the next day. We found out later in the week that the tests came back positive for Mononucleosis. With all the follow-up doctor appointments that week, it never registered to me until Wednesday that my period was not normal. When I really thought about it, I realized that all I really had was brown spotting. That was it -- Dh convinced me to test.

Well, after 2 years of no birth control and 10 months of actively TTC, you can only imagine my reaction when a very faint second line showed up. After 3 more faint second lines, I called my OB and asked for a blood test. On 10/4/02 it was official. We were pregnant! In our normal fashion we told everyone! We were so excited. The next 4 days were just pure joy for us. Then tragedy struck. On 10/8/02 my best friend, who was 7 weeks ahead of me, miscarried her precious angel. No words could express my sorrow for her. The next few days were hard. This was supposed to be such a happy time for us, but at the same time I was grieving for my friend. Then on 10/11/02 my sorrow became unbearable. I woke up that morning to some bleeding. I knew right away our angel had left us, too.

Later that morning, my feeling was confirmed. We had lost our baby. I will never forget the feeling I had that morning. I felt so empty and lost. I will never forget hearing those words, "It seems that you have miscarried." I will never forget the feeling of DH's arms wrapping around me as I sobbed.

So here I am, 11 days later. I hear every day, "How are you doing?" To be honest, I don't know. I have days when all I want to do is cry. I have days where I get so busy it seems like I forget about it. Then there are the days when I am just so angry:

Angry with the doctors who can't give me answers.

Angry at my body for failing this baby.

Angry at people who will never understand.

Angry at God.