Amanda's Journey Final entry -- week 33

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Entry 29

Last entry

So here I sit. Months have gone by and I have not written. After writing my entry on my due date I just lost all goals for writing. There were just too many thoughts and happenings. Too many to put into words. It sounds like an excuse and it probably is. I guess I was just overwhelmed with it all.

So much has happened. I just hope I can put it all down. I know I need to. This all needs to be said. In many ways I have moved on but in many other ways I am still right where I was on October 11 last year.

I will begin, actually, a bit before my last entry (computer crashed and wiped out some entries I had stored).

After Mother's Day, I did go through the HSG test. It was brutal, but worth every bit of pain to help us get pregnant. Jim went through his test also. When we went back to the RE to go over all the results we were happy to know that all was fine. The only question was that my left tube might be blocked. I explained to the RE that we had the same problem with my first HSG. They couldn't get any dye through that tube. So his diagnosis was basically unexplained infertility. We were happy in a way but still so very frustrated. So where do we go from here? He left it up to us. Go all the way -- Clomid, hcg shot and IUI or keep trying the way had been. Can you guess our answer? Yep, we went all the way.

So I started Clomid right on my due date. I guess it was somewhat of a sign for us. Something good starting on a day that was so hard for us. I continued the Clomid for 4 days straight. On CD 12 we went on for an ultrasound. We were disappointed to find out that the only good Follicle was on the left side. The side we think is blocked. He gave us the option of going through with everything or waiting to try again next month. Since insurance wasn't a problem we decided to go through with the IUI. The following night I had to give myself the HCG shot. Oh that was so hard. I was so scared. I am fine with needles but sticking myself was just terrifying! I did though and cried afterwards from the stress. 36 hours later sitting in the waiting room, waiting on the sperm washing, I started my ovulation pains. Oh my! Clomid Ovulation pains are intense. Just like predicted though they were on the left side. The IUI was nothing really. I was nervous and tense, waiting on the pain but there was none. We went home feeling good that it was over and done with. The next 2 weeks were pure torture. My July 2000 board was a huge source of support as usual. I think I got on their nerves though…lol.

Sadly AF arrived right on time, July 4th. A date I don't think I will ever forget. I got in for an ultrasound to check for cysts and started the Clomid again. It hit pretty hard. I think I let my hopes get up to high. I fell into that hole I had started to get pulled out of awhile back. Kind of like my hands slipped on that later and I fell. It took quite a few days to make it back up to where I was.

When it was time for the next ultrasound I was so scared. Scared that there wouldn't be a good follicle on the right side again. I was heartbroken when he said I only had a good sized one on the left side again. There were smaller ones on the right but not big enough to help out. I started hoping when in the waiting room 36 hours later my pains started on the right side! The IUI went fine again.

I went nuts in the 2 week wait. I was 10 days past Ovulation and I used an OPK as a home pregnancy test. I got a faint line! I was very guarded. I went and got the First Response Early test and was going to wait till the morning. HA! Jim insisted I test right then. Well there was the slightest of lines. Jim couldn't even see it. The next morning was the same, just slightly darker. The next 2 tests kept getting darker.


I was so scared. When I called the RE they wanted me to come on for an ultrasound and 5.5 weeks. That day was hard. During the ultrasound he had trouble finding the sac. He seemed very pessimistic to the whole situation. It got worse when he was done because I was bleeding. I thought it was over. I thought I was starting this whole process over again. I was a wreck. We got to the car and I fell apart. To make things worse we were to leave for Disney World in 4 days! All I could think about was how I was going to ruin our vacation because I was miscarrying again.

They brought me in 2 days later for another ultrasound. My HCG level looked great so I was a bit optimistic. The girls that did the ultrasound this time was wonderful. She found the sac right away and even saw the beginning of the yolk sac! We were back on track again! We think the bleeding was caused by the ultrasound and my sensitive cervix. We got the go ahead for vacation.

The next week was a blur of activity! The Monday we returned, I went in for another ultrasound. I was 7.5 weeks along now. I think this will be a day I will never forget.

The RE started and he said, "There is the sac".
My first reaction,"Is there anything inside?"

Yep, there sure was. He then pointed and showed the heartbeat. Jim saw it right away while I was yelling I can't see it! So the RE pointed to that single pixel on the screen and said that is it. That tiny little movement was an amazing site. I was crying so hard and Jim even got teary. Emilee was with us and she kept saying, "Mommy you having a baby!" I am still, a day later, on cloud 9. I feel so much better about this baby. I won't relax completely until I hold this little munchkin but I have some relief though and that helps.

So here I am, 7 weeks and 5 days along. We have seen the heartbeat. We have our first OB appointment next week. We have a tour of a different hospital in 2 weeks. We are ordering a few baby name books. We are planning on how to arrange Em's room to fit a baby too. We are happy.

I still mourn everyday for our lost angel. The pain has lessoned some, not much though. This journey has been the hardest I have ever had to go through. A journey I wouldn't wish on anyone. A journey I never hope to have to go through again. Would I travel that journey again if it meant another child? Yes! I think it has made me a stronger person. I learned I had to stand up to those ignorant doctors when I knew I had a problem. I learned to express my hurt and pain to Jim when I needed to about TTC. I also learned to give myself time. Time to grieve and to heal. There have been so many that have helped me along the way and I am so grateful to each and every one of them. I don't think I would be where I am if it wasn't for the amazing family I have here online and in real life.

I have so many hopes right now. So much happiness yet still, so much grief. I have had someone in the past weeks tell me that I am pregnant now, just let the m/c go. Sorry but I can't. I never will be able to. It is a huge part of my life I will never forget or let go. I don't understand how anyone can.

So here I leave this journey, still continuing but going a different way. A path upwards and onwards. The journey was filled with so many bumps and rivets in the road. I can only hope that this new path will be smooth and happy.

Thank you to everyone who has read this. I hope it has helped some. That was my hope in writing all this out. I was hoping that someone going though similar emotions could read my words and feel not as alone as I did. I hope those of you that found this helpful will have the same kind new path to follow I have.