Amanda's Journey -- Week 10

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Entry 11

12/31/02
CD 28 CY 2

Here I sit on New Years Eve. It is 11:20 pm, Emilee is asleep, Jim is at work and I am alone. What a depressing way to welcome in the New Year isn't it? I think out of the 6 New Years Jim and I have been together, we have spent 2 with each other. He works crazy schedules at times. Of course he pulled nightshift for this month. So, like I said...here I sit, alone.

Still no AF. I want to test so badly. Jim wanted me to buy a test while we were out today but I fought the urge. I am just too scared. I have been e-mailing another Mom from my July board alot lately. Cathy has been through one miscarriage before she had her July baby. Then just had another miscarriage in July. She has been having trouble since getting pregnant again. It is like she understands everything I tell her. As I understand her too. She just got AF. I was so sad for her. I just wanted to take all the pain away for her. In the midst of her pain she is rooting me on. Wishing AF to stay away for me. This is one of those times I hate having friends online sometimes because it is so frustrating not being able to just hug her.

Happy New Years to everyone. May your year be filled with many blessings.

1/05/03
Oh wow, what a way to start the New Year. January 1st was the start of CY 3 post miscarriage. As you can imagine I didn't take it so well. I was getting so anxious. I wanted to test so badly. I am glad I didn't waste the money on a test. Then when I saw those first pinkish spots I kept trying to tell myself maybe it was implantation spotting. When AF fully hit I went into a bad depression. For the next few days I did nothing. I cried so much. Jim didn't know what to do to try and help me. I didn't know what to do to help me. To top it all off I was in so much pain from the cramps. At times I was curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out from the pain.

I guess I just will never understand why something so natural (TTC) can be so hard.