Amanda's Journey -- Week 11

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Entry 12

1/7/03
CD 7 CY 3
Well, today has been a good day. Jim and I made the standard resolution of eating healthier and trying to lose weight. I have battled being obese my whole life. I have tried so many things. Nothing has ever worked. Now with my Thyroid problem it makes it even harder to lose anything.

Today I walked on the treadmill for 1/2 a mile. I know it doesn't seem like much to most but for me it is a good start. We have been doing well with eating well also. I have a positive attitude about it this time. I think I may be able to stick with this. I have to.

1/12/03
CD12 CY3
Here I am almost a week again since my last entry. I sit down to right here and I just draw a blank. I can't seem to figure out how to put my thoughts into words. I guess you could call it writers block. How can it be though, the thoughts are my feelings, emotions, experiences.

The depression seems to becoming in waves. I have some days/weeks that I am fine. Then it seems to hit me hard, unexpectedly. Today is one of those days. I had to congratulate someone on their new pregnancy yesterday. This has now been around the 10th new pregnancy, of family and friends, since we lost the baby. I am so sick of putting that happy smile and fake excitement on. I think deep down I am genuinely happy and excited for them. At the same time more of my hearts breaks each time. Am I selfish? Am I a horrible person? Some may say yes. I just don't know. I can't shake the jealousy. My God, I even get a pang of jealousy when I see one of the pregnancy/birth TV shows.

I know I have to stop this. I am just feeling sorry for myself. Growing up that is something we were never allowed to do. "Brush yourself off and move on" was my father's motto. My parents know nothing of the pain I am going through. Their fist reaction, of finding out we lost the baby, was "Well, at least it was early". Saying, in a way, at least it was early on so you weren't attached. I fell in love with my child the moment he/she was conceived.

So, the question is, why can't I "brush myself off and move on?"