Amanda's Journey -- Week 13

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Entry 14

1/26/03
CD 1 CY 4(post m/c)
Yep, that's right CD 1. AF arrived this morning. I can't believe it. I thought we had gotten it this month. The excitement I had because I ovulated is gone – it’s replaced by the depression again. Why is this happening? Why can't it be easier? My hopes of having children 2 years apart are blown. Now the hope of having them around 3 years apart is going out the window, too.

As the months go by it’s getting really hard. I hear of more new pregnancies and birth. I try to be happy and supportive but deep down I am hurting. I am ashamed of being jealous. I am ashamed that I am being selfish. But am I? Am I being selfish? I have heard some people that don't understand why some get so obsessed with TTC. They don't understand why we get so worked up over temps, BD'ing, O'ing, DPO, and testing. We do, because we want another child and nature doesn't seem to want it to happen easily for us.

It took me forever to finally get Jim to understand that "just letting it happen" doesn't always work. If we did that I am not sure we would even have had Emilee by now. If it weren’t for me stepping up and saying, "Hey it just isn't working, lets see what our options are" then we would have never found a good OB who wanted to help. So, for some it doesn't happen naturally. It takes allot of work to make a baby, and not all the "fun" kind of work either!

So, here I am, starting another cycle. Will this be the one? I don't know. All I can do is wait and do anything in my power to make it happen.