Amanda's Journey -- Week 16

Read All of Amandas Journey

Entry 17

1/21/03
CD 1 CY 5 (post m/c)
Oh what a wonderful way to start the weekend off. AF is just about here. I have bright read spotting. The feelings of despair are beginning to creep in. Here comes the lovely depression. The self-pity.

1/22/03
CD 2 CY 5
AF is defiantly here now. Last night was hard. Jim laid with me awhile before he left for work. I just cried and cried. I say the same things in here month after month, but I can't help it. I go through these emotions every month. Every month the pain comes back. I think if the m/c all over again. I wonder if it will ever happen for us. Will we ever have another child? Will Emilee ever have a brother or sister?

1/23/03
CD 3 CY 5
OUCH! These cramps are so bad. I just want to crawl back in bed and forget everything.

We have been so busy this weekend. I haven't had much time to think about things too much. But at night, lying in bed, it hits me all at once. All the doubts, sadness and anger come rushing into my mind. I have been having some trouble sleeping because of all this. I just lay there, exhausted, but wide-awake with a million things running through my head.

My family isn't helping things too much either. I am going to stop telling my mother when AF arrives. I don't need to hear from her one more time that maybe AF is a good thing. She honestly doesn't think I can handle another child. Why she thinks this, I have no idea. It is not like I pass Emilee off on other people at all. We ask them to baby-sit for us sometimes but not often at all. We have gotten the feeling lately like it is a burden for her. So, we just don't ask unless it is a last resort. Now this doesn't leave us with many options. My sister will watch Em for us but I hate to burden them too. I guess it is time to begin a babysitter search. I just hate to leave Em with a stranger.

So, it's getting so frustrating. I have to deal with outside people thinking they know what is best for us. I have to deal with the hatred of my own body right now for failing my baby and not allowing us to conceive another. I have to deal with the fact that as another month passes we are another month farther away from a new baby.