Entry 18
3/9/03
CD 17 CY 5 (post m/c)
Yes, it has been 2 weeks since my last entry. I am here now because so many feeling have been bottling up inside of me. It has been a really bad 2 weeks for me. I have fallen into depressions before but nothing like this. I haven’t been able to shake it at all.
As I sit here writing this I am having horrible ovulation pains -- at times worse than they were last cycle. It scares me at times but I know it is a good sign. It’s a sign that things may be working. Now if only we could make it work.
Ok, so I guess an explanation of the past 2 weeks is in order. Well, I have been putting up a front for everyone around me. I seem like my normal self around everyone, but inside I am falling apart. I have been preparing myself for the worst -- the worst being a life with no more children. Why? Because I am losing all hope. Ok, I have lost all hope. I can't tell this to people around me because all I hear is, "Oh, don't worry it will happen," or "Just quit trying so hard and it will happen." I don't think it is going to happen again. I can't quit trying so hard. TTC has become an obsession for me -- an unhealthy one apparently. It is the cause of my depression. It is what brings me down month after month. TTC has always (since TTC Emilee) been an obsession to an extent. Now, though, it has graduated to a new level.
So, how do I change when it has become a way of life? How do I not try, when it has become a way of life? How do I have hope, when losing hope has become a way of life?
I didn't write in my journal for 2 weeks because I couldn't bring myself to write this all down. I think writing it down makes it real to me. If I don't write it down or acknowledge reality, then I can go on with my life, ignoring everything that is the cause of my depression. So, I have decided to start writing here every day again. Maybe it will keep me in reality and my feet on the ground.
