Amanda's Journey -- Week 26 (25 skipped)

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Entry 23
Week 25 skipped due to NOTHING HAPPENING!!!!
4/16/03
CD 1 CY 7 (post m/c)

Okay, let's see how well I can type while the tears are coming at full force. Don't think I have to say one reason why I am crying. Yep, CD 1. I started spotting this afternoon. You would think it wouldn't affect me as much right now because we were taking a break this month. With my re-appointment coming up we thought we would relax this month. So, why did I still get my hopes up?

Onto the other large problem in my life right now. My mother-in-law is staying with us for a bit while she goes through therapy. I am taking on her care because she won't. She is diabetic and found out she has something called Lymphadema. Her legs are so swollen and hard as rocks. My hubby and brother-in-law would take care of her, but she isn't comfortable with that. So, here I am, taking on something that needs to be done but something that I don't need. Don't get me wrong, I will do all I can to help her. But, do I need this extra stress while TTC?

Jim and I talked awhile back about what might happen if she needed to come live with us. I made him promise that no matter what happened we would not put our family on hold. Why am I so afraid that is going to happen? There have already been thoughts through my head that maybe I should cancel the re-appointment. I should have my full attention on taking care of her and getting her healthy. I end up feeling guilty. Why?

4/21/03
CD 6 CY 7 (post m/c)
Happy Easter! I have to remind myself today that it is a holiday and I should be in a good mood. The week from H**L is over and we have another to go. Do you have any idea how hard it is to take care of someone that doesn’t want to take care of himself or herself? IMPOSSIBLE! I am so frustrated. Jim is frustrated. We are fed up. We are doing whatever we can to help her yet she unravels it all as the days go by. I am ready to give up.

I dread coming home right now when we go out for a bit. Sad isn't it? I feel uncomfortable in my own home. Jim has been wonderful. He is so embarrassed with how his Mom is acting. I feel bad for him. I love him so much and I know this is hurting him. Usually this kind of stress would lead us to fights -- lots of them. Surprisingly enough it seems to be bringing us closer. I think it is because he has his priorities in line. He always tells me that he will help his Mom any way he can but Emilee and I are his family now. God I love that man. You know what, he still makes my heart skip a beat.

So my appointment is next week. I am nervous and stressed beyond my limits right now with all that is going on. This isn't healthy for me, not at all. I still need to get my records from my family doctor and OB. I am not prepared for this appointment. I am so scared. I have so many questions, but I'm afraid that I'm just going to be looked upon like I don't know what I'm talking about. I just hope he will listen and talk with us and not blow us off.

I have told a few people that we are going to a re-appointment. I shouldn't have. I have gotten the usual rude comments like:

• "Are you sure you are just not trying to hard?"
• "Oh you are young, take your time and it will happen!"
• "You have had 1, you will have another!"
• "Relax! That’s all you have to do, relax"

Shall I pick these apart for you??

1. Trying to hard: Oh, okay, so 2.5 years of trying to know my body, learning its signals is too much work, huh? If I wasn't trying so hard then I would have never known that I had a short luteal phase!
2. Take your time: Yes I am young, Jim is 8 years older than I am. Take our time?! How much time, in your opinion, is right? 2.5 years isn't, "taking our time?"
3. Had a kid already: Yes, I am lucky enough to have my beautiful Emilee. At this point though we don't know if there will be another one. Things can change you know!
4. Relax (grouped with trying to hard comment): I am just not going to justify this with a response. It's just plain ol' rude!

I swear there should be a book out that tells people the things not to say to someone TTC or that has had a m/c. Then you could just hand a copy to whoever makes one of these comments. Okay, time to get off my platform.