Amanda's Journey -- Week 29

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Entry 26

5/8/03
I went for my first set of blood tests today. I also found out how we go about Jim's test too. Now just waiting on AF to show so we can get the HSG set up. It is a test I am looking forward to but not also. My first HSG was pretty bad. My cervix was too soft so the clamp they put on it wasn't working right. The dye also kept coming back out of me. Not a pleasant day. But I will do it again in an instant to give Em a brother or sister.

We are leaving for the Jersey Shore in the morning. We figured out that this is our first real vacation since our Honeymoon 6 years ago. Sad isn't it? We can't wait to see Em's reaction to the ocean and the beach. She is so excited about it all. I am surprised she was able to fall asleep. Oh wait, that will be Jim and I that will have trouble falling asleep...LOL. The idea of a vacation has us acting like little kids again.

5/11/03 -- HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! We are back from vacation. It was a good weekend. The weather wasn't the greatest but the joy Emilee experienced made up for it all. She surprised us both so much. She loved all the rides and I was in tears watching her as she was riding them.

Jim surprised me with a wonderful Mother's Day gift. He bought me a bunch of candles and some bubble bath. Inside the card he wrote that after Em was in bed he would draw me a bubble bath with candles all around. Then after I was well soaked he would then take me upstairs with more candles for an hour-long massage sigh… It was heaven. God I love that man.

Now today has also been a bit sad for me. No one but a very close friend acknowledged that this was a special Mother's Day for me. This year I am a mother of 2 children. One living and one that will never be with us. That was so hard to think about. I ended up bawling and talking with Jim about it before bed. I needed him to know that I was a bit hurt that he didn't even mention it. I can't blame him though. I know he doesn't like to bring it up so he doesn't hurt me. I miss my baby.

It was also a hard day for another reason. Today is May 10th. My due date is June 10th. Exactly one month away. I keep thinking of all the things I should be doing right now. Packing my bag, cleaning crib bedding, getting the bassinet out of the attic, going through Em's old clothes, etc. My question of why has never been answered. It will never be answered. Why can't I live with that answer? I just want to hold my baby.