Amanda's Journey -- Week 3

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Entry Four

I know I didn't write much last week. We were busy with … well, I don't know what! My Aunt and cousin were down this weekend. My cousin has had a lot of problems this past year. It was good to see him yet I was a little uncomfortable. Emilee was amazing with them. My parents told me they were very proud of her. She did very well around them. Emilee is normally a shy little girl around new people. I was quite proud of her too. We must be doing something right!

Okay, time to let some things out. I have been avoiding writing this in here because I was afraid it would cause some trouble. I decided to go ahead because I thought it might be good to get it out no matter what. Since the miscarriage I have had a flood of emotions. In the beginning it was just sorrow and grief. It then progressed to confusion and anger. I have never felt such a strong anger. To be honest the anger is directed toward God. I have had so many people say to me, "It was God's will," "God has a plan for you," "Your baby is in God's hands now." Well, you know what? I don't understand God's will, I could care less about God's plan, and I want my baby in my womb instead of in my hands! To me what these people have said to me is far from an explanation.

Can someone please tell me why I can't have an answer? I want to know what kind of God would give us a child to only take it back? Why would God put us through this? Someone answered that question for me. "God is putting you through this to test your faith." I am sorry, but I thought God knows all. If he does then he should know where my faith lies. I have gone back and forth on this in my head. One day I feel a strong need to be closer to God. To get my life straightened out. Then there are the days when I want nothing to do with a God that would do this.

I have talked with my sister about this a little bit. She is a very strong Christian. She gave me such a sense that finding my way to Jesus is what I need. By the next day I had that hatred again. I guess I am just lost. I have no way of knowing the right way right now. I feel like I have no one to guide me.

To start off this entry I just have to say that it feels so good to be back on the boards again! I took a well-needed break for a while. I needed time to heal by myself. Now that I am back, it feels so good. Jim finally understands how much being here means to me. After the miscarriage when a good friend from July2k sent me that wonderful bracelet as a gift, I think it finally hit him. Jim was amazed when I received this. He couldn't believe someone I had never met would send me something so special. I think then it finally dawned on him that these women are not just internet chat buddies. They are actually my friends. Friends that have been there through my pregnancy till now. I have cried and laughed with them. I have had so much support, more then I have ever had in real life. Jim finally understands but I don't think anyone else ever will.

I have been anxious the past few days. I wish AF would just show already. I know I have mentioned that we are not trying to prevent a pregnancy (against doctor's wishes). So, I am wondering when, or if I should test. I haven't been keeping track of days but I am pretty sure I ovulated about 2 weeks ago. I am nervous.

Wow, what a good past 2 days I have had! My cousin came to town for work on Thursday. She came over and I made her dinner. We then went and saw the movie "Jackass." OMG I have never laughed so hard for an hour and a half straight in my life. My sides were hurting by the time we left. She had to go to some appointments yesterday morning then came back here. We all decided to take a nap with Emilee and Emilee loved it. Well, my cousin and I went to dinner. Dh was wonderful and had no problem being left out (he is such a sweetie). He stayed home with Emilee, fed her dinner, and they had a blast too.

After dinner we dropped by the State store and picked up some wine. Once we were home, my best friend (who lost her baby 3 days before we did) came over for "Girls' Night!" It was hers and my first Girls' Night in a very long time. We both needed it so badly. Well, needless to say, a few bottles of wine later, we were all talking and giggling so much. We all passed out around 1 am, I think. We all had so much fun! Girls' night should be an official, once a month holiday in my book!

It was also a good night to just take our minds off of everything. I love these 2 girls like sisters. They are the only 2 women in my life that I feel I can tell everything too. They both understand me. They both know me better then anyone but DH. I think nowadays it is hard to find girlfriends like that – especially ones that you can trust with anything.

Well, no need to be anxious anymore. AF arrived this morning. I have mixed feelings I guess. I'm happy on one hand because we are one month closer to officially trying again. Disappointed on the other, well that reason is obvious. Jim just left for an afternoon with some friends. So, it is an afternoon of just Emilee and I! I just hope it is one of her "good days". She has been missing daddy a lot since Jim went back on day shift. Everyday she tells me multiple times "Daddy, home." It sounds so pathetic too -- like a sad whiney voice. She is such a Daddy's girl!

It has been yet another rough week for my friends on the July '00 board. It seems like we get hit with bad news all at once. I have to admit though, those women amaze me everyday. I have never met a group of women like them. They are so supportive, caring, funny, and loving.

I have been battling with myself these past weeks over religion. I am just so confused. There are certain aspects of Paganism I am interested in but there are also certain beliefs I have dealing with Christianity. I have talked to so many people about this and I just end up getting more and more confused. How do you know what is right?

I took this from a site I found recently:

There are over 700 "denominations", and it is the greatest "shame" and "glory" of Christianity:

1- It is a "shame",
because they have different and contradictory believes and practices: One denomination says "Jesus is God", another says, "Jesus is not God"... one says the Spirit is God, another says, he is not... one says, Jesus is really present in the Eucharist, another says he is not... one says abortion is bad, another says it is good... and so on, 1,001 contradictions, and all believing they are the Church of Jesus Christ...

2- But it is also a "glory",
because it is the fulfillment of the prophecies of Jesus, who 2,000 years ago said that there will come "many" false prophets, with "many" false churches, that will deceive "many", if possible, even the elect! (Matt.24:5,11,24)... Similar prophecies were made by Peter and Paul also 2,000 years ago (2Pet.2, 2Tim.3)...
... I pray that you and I are not one of those "many" that will be deceived

So, can someone please tell me how you know which church is a "false church?" How do I begin a search for the right kind of church/religion for me?


Submitted by ssabin6901 on

Hello...I have just recently gone to this website for the first time and began to read your blogs. I registered on the site just so I could comment on it!....and b/c my husband and I have just recently started "trying" to conceive. Smile I would love to comment on your questions/confusion regarding God and Christianity,however, I feel like it would be too lengthy to do so in a comment. Is there a way for me to send you a message instead? Many thoughts and prayers to you......