Amanda's Journey -- week 30

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Entry 27

5/26/03
CD 13 CY 7 (post m/c)

It has been two weeks since my last entry. I never seem to have the time to sit down and write like I should. Between my ever challenging daughter, doctor appointments, work around the house...and well...everything these days, I never have the time.

Last week I went to have my HSG test done. It was 10 times worse then the last time. The cramps I experienced were so bad – really unbearable, but, if it gets us another child then I would do it over and over. The results were mixed. My Uterus and Right tube looked beautiful. The dye flowed right through my right tube and spilled out like it should. The bad news is that it looks like my left tube is completely blocked. Oh and did I say that I hate my body? As I sit here writing this I am experiencing my ovulation pain. This would be wonderful news since it is 4 days earlier then normal but, it is on my left side. Looks like another month down the drain.

We have a follow-up appointment with the RE (doctor) again tomorrow. We will discuss the results to all the tests. I am so excited, nervous, and scared. I received copies of my blood work in the mail. We haven't gotten anything in regards to Jim's test. I know he is pretty nervous about that. What guy wouldn't be?

Today has been a hard day for me. We found out a friend of Jim lost their baby on Friday. I swear every time I hear of another miscarriage it brings back all the raw, new emotions I felt back in October. Will that ever stop? Will I ever be able to hear of a miscarriage and not have my heart feel like it is being ripped apart all over again? As June 11th draws closer and I hear of new babies entering this world I go further and further into a hole. A hole I am not sure I know how to get out of. A hole I am not sure I am meant to climb out of. It seems like someone is up top, closing the hole off to the rest of the world. How can I get out? Does anyone know the way? I do. The only way I will get out of this hole is to hold my baby. Guess I will be in this hole for a long time huh?