Amanda's Journey -- week 32

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Entry 29

6/11/03
CD 4, First day on Clomid, Due date of lost pregnancy.

Today is a day I have been dreading for months. A day that should be filled with joy. Instead, it is a day that will forever be etched in my mind in a way far different then it should be.

I want to include things here that I have written and that people have written me.

To my angel Ashling,

Today was the day you were due to arrive into this world. A day that should be full of joy for us. Instead we are still heartbroken that you will never be here with us. Mommy wants to hold you so much. I want to feel your soft skin. Hear your cries and whimpers. Smell your sweet baby smell. I want to see your daddy holding you. Talking to you. I want to see Emilee's first reaction to you. To see her hold you for the first time. I am so sad that I will never experience these things. Mommy is so sad today. Mommy misses you.

So, today we are taking to do things in your memory. We got a beautiful flowering bush to plant in memory of you. It will always bloom at this time of the year. So every year we can look at the beautiful white flowers and think of you. Your Daddy and I are also going to get some more plants to plant today. Maybe each year we will make this day our planting day. A special day just for you. Emilee is too young yet to understand about you. Someday we will explain it all to her. Explain that she has a baby brother, watching over her every day. She will help us plant today and hopefully in the years to come. She will know the meaning of our special day for you.

Ashling, sweetie, we love you. We hope you are in Granmom's arms. We know she is there with you now. Holding you for us until the day comes that we can. Be a good boy for her. Give her a kiss for us too.

We will see you some day. I can't wait to hold you. To kiss you. To be your Mommy. We love you and miss you angel boy

Mommy, Daddy, and Emilee

My Dearest, Sweetest Amanda....

How can I possibly put into words what I am feeling today, thinking about you, knowing what you're going through... What can I say that will show you that I understand, and that will bring you comfort, healing, and peace in your heart?

I know you have probably read this before, but I want to share it with you again. It is a letter that I wrote to Samantha just before Jillian's Dedication, and the third anniversary of our loss.

I know that we're at slightly different places in our healing journey, but I'm sure we have both felt the same way at times. I hope sharing that helped. I know it can be hard to read about people who have had a successful pregnancy after a loss, but I want it to give you hope. I feel strongly that you'll be getting your own blessings soon. Keep fighting, don't give up, sweetie.

In the meantime, know that he is not forgotten. I planted some flowers here for him. They bloom every year around this time, and I can easily transplant them if I ever move. I'm sure they'll bloom brighter than everything else that grows here in this lovely gravel pit ;) I feel as though I'm sharing him with you, in a way. You're not alone, I think of him too.

I hope today is everything you hoped it would be. I hope Jim and Em take good care of you today... Start some traditions, build some memories, and take pictures. TAKE PICTURES...... Trust me; you will someday want to put pictures in your scrapbook about this day. You may not feel like it today, but those pictures will mean the world to you later on.

I love you, and I am always here, even when I'm pine sol'ing. If EVER you need to talk, don't be afraid... I'm willing to listen to you no matter how often you need it. Always.

I love you... and I'm proud of you. You've come a long way.
Love,
JD