Amanda's Journey -- Week 5

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Entry Six

11/25/02
Boy have I missed writing in here for over a week. Our vacation was nice. It was so much fun to see all the kids together. Boy was the noise level in that house LOUD! Three 2-year-olds and a 7-year-old in one room can give anybody a headache.

We arrived home on Friday night. It was so good to be home. Oh and the pleasure of sleeping in our own bed was amazing! We just relaxed on Saturday. Sunday was a day of surprises though. Jim invited his mother and brother over to see Emilee. Needless to say we do not have a very good relationship with them. In the 2 years since Emilee has been born, they have not shown much interest in her. It has hurt Jim a lot. We had a confrontation with MIL a week before the miscarriage. I think it made an impact. The difference was wonderful. BIL actually got down and played with Emilee for most of the visit. MIL even colored with her! I have asked Jim to call MIL and thank her for making such an effort.

Some may be wondering how I am doing. Well, sorry to say I am not doing well at all. I have fallen into a bad depression. Last night I just lost it lying in bed. Earlier I had been looking at some of the pregnancy journals here. I viewed 2 journals of women that are due around when I was. These 2 women were with me on the TTC 7+ month's board. I am so happy for them. At the same time it hit me so hard to read what they are experiencing right now. I should be in my 11th or 12th week right now.

I found myself tearing up when reading their journals. Then when I told Jim about it, I just lost it. I was crying so hard. It was that deep emotional loss kind of cry. Jim tried to help but seemed to only say the wrong things. I started getting upset with him. I couldn't understand why he couldn't just hold me and just listen. In the end he did just hold me. That is what I had needed. I explained to him that I might never be "over" this. I may have breakdowns like that. I will never forget our baby that we lost. He is a very positive type of person. Always looking on the bright side of things. That is a great personality trait and one of the things I love about his so much. At times though, all I need is sympathy not positive words. Just hold me and listen. Sometimes that means more then all the words in the world.

2nd part
Well, as the day goes on I am feeling more and more down. I just can't shake this. I don't feel like doing anything. All I want to do is crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. I feel like a horrible mom to Emilee because I haven't really done anything with her today. I haven't told anyone about the way I feel. I know I will have to tell Jim, but I dread it. I know the first thing he will say is, "Maybe you need to see/talk to someone." I know I probably do, but I am just not comfortable doing that. My head is so screwed up to begin with that it would take multiple sessions to just get to the miscarriage part of my depression. So, what do I do? Write here I guess. It seems to be the only thing keeping me going. It has been 47 days since we lost the baby. 47 days. It still seems like yesterday. How am I going to move on? Some days I am fine. Actually I was doing fine for a while. I guess I just pushed it away. Now the pain is back and so raw it is like the beginning all over again. How can I even be thinking of conceiving another child when I can't get over this loss?

11/27/02
I still can't shake this depression. I am sitting here writing this and all I really want to be doing is crawling into bed. Emilee is in her room playing and I should be there with her -- being a good mom. I don't feel like one. How can I be a good mom when I couldn't even keep my baby inside of me? I know, I know, everyone always says it wasn't my fault. Well, how do they know? What if it was something I did or didn't do? Then it would be all my fault and I failed my child.

With the Holidays starting I wonder if things will get better or worse. Sometimes I can't bare the thought of Christmas without being pregnant. I just think of how happy we were going to be. Now part of that happiness is gone.

I know some think I should just move on. I wish I could. I wish I could move on and write about happier things. I just can't seem to do it. I am letting friendships lapse. I am pulling away from Jim sometimes. What can I do to change this?

11/29/02
I don't know really what to say today. I am up a little bit spirit wise. Jim and I have been fighting a ton lately. Emilee has been so-so. Kind of just blah I guess. I realized as I went to write tonight that I haven't updated my journal on the TTC front. I am Cycle 2 (since m/c) CD 20. I am not sure about my ovulation. I haven't been taking my temps for charting. The last few months before we got pregnant I realized I got major ovulation pains -- so I had my own ovulation predictor. The problem I am having now is I haven't been getting those pains the past 2 months. I am very frustrated again wishing I was pregnant again -- then not knowing if I am ready yet.

I talked to my cousin the other day about all that has been bothering me. She helped open my eyes to some things. The biggest thing being that I need to stop beating myself up over everything. That is very hard for me to stop doing. It is just the way I am.

We had a nice Thanksgiving yesterday. I made the whole big meal for Jim, Emilee and I. We just relaxed most of the day. This morning we went shopping for Emilee. I have to admit it was the first time I have ever been out on Black Friday. WOW! We ended up with some amazing deals and we just about finished shopping for her to. I think we may do this each year from now on.

12/01/02
It is Sunday night. Dh is not home. Emilee is in bed. I am CD 22, 2-6 days till AF is due. I am scared, lonely, worried, and missing our baby.

Comments

Thanks so much for sharing your story... I enjoyed reading about your story.

I have had similar feelings in the past {which came about for different reasons} I would take pregnancy tests all the time {neg}. Would buy baby clothes to put away and seemed to see pregnant woman every where!

Thinking of you and your journey,

Much love,
Elle.

I totally feel you when you say that it will suck spending Christmas without being pregnant. I went to walmart today and saw some really cute baby stuff and I could not help it and tear up. My husband was there with me and he saw my tears and gave me a kiss to comfort. It is so hard!!