Amanda's Journey -- Week 8

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Entry nine

12/19/02
CD 16, CY 2 (post m/c)

Here is my TTC update first:
I am hoping I am ovulating. I seem to have lost my indicator. I am no longer getting the incredibly sharp ovulation pains. Other indicators look promising this week, though. Jim and I have been trying the "every other day" routine. We're keeping everything crossed – we hope this will be the month.

General life/post miscarriage update:
As you can tell from my last update, I didn't write much last week. I have had so many things going through my head that I can't figure out how to type it all out. The words just haven't been easy to type.

This past weekend we got our Christmas tree. When we went to decorate it I just couldn't get into it. Jim was trying so hard to get me more upbeat and involved. I couldn't because I was dreading something. I was dreading putting the ornament on the tree for our Angel. I bought a special ornament just for him. He is a part of our family forever. He should and will always have an ornament on our tree.

When I stood up to hang it, Jim came up to me and just held me as I cried. He asked if I wanted him to do it. I told him, "No, I needed to do it. I needed him to know that Mommy was thinking of him right then. Wishing he was with us, inside me."

Since then I have been such a hard time getting involved in Christmas. I feel so guilty because I haven't really shopped for Jim yet. I haven't put any thoughts into his gifts. I can't even seem to get excited about giving Emilee her gifts or opening my own. There is only one gift I want. A gift I will never be able to have.

So, this is where I am -- in a place I can't seem to break free from. It's a sad, all-encompassing darkness. Well, time to put on my happy face. Family is coming tomorrow. Happy Holidays.

12/21/02
CD 18, CY 2 (post m/c)
Well, I am assuming that I am past ovulation. Jim and I did well this month, I think. I think it may be helping that I have a sex drive again. It seems to have magically reappeared. I don't think he is complaining much though.

I have been keeping myself really busy this past week. I am making a small scrapbook for my mother-in-law. This is my first attempt and I love it. I am having so much fun. I just hope I have the motivation to continue afterwards. My parents got us an amazing photo printer for an early Christmas gift. It is amazing. We have had a digital camera since Emilee was about 9-months-old. We have tons of pictures, but have never been able to print any. It is so fun to print out all these old pictures of her.

My friend Melissa and her family are coming over tomorrow to exchange gifts. Her husband plays Santa and we are hoping to surprise the kids. These next days are going to be so busy. I have so much left to do. Hopefully being busy will keep my mind off missing the baby. Every time I pass by the tree I stop and touch Ashling's ornament. I always get teary, too. Will this ever go away?