Amanda's Journey -- Week 9

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Entry ten

12/29/02

CD 26, CY 2

Well, here I am, waiting yet again for my period (AF) to arrive. I am so anxious. I want AF to just show up already if she is going to show. I think I will wait another 3 days till I go to test. God, how I hope this is it. At the same time I am so scared. I am so scared to get a bit excited, scared that it will end to soon again.

This past week was so busy. I love Christmas, but hate it at the same time. I end up being so stressed out with all that has to be done that I have trouble enjoying myself, too. Emilee had so much fun, though. She loved opening all her gifts. Notice I said opening, not just "loved her gifts." We were surprised, but her main enjoyment came from just tearing the paper. She would just pass the gift on and move on to the next. She had fun -- that is all that counts.

Jim did a wonderful job picking out gifts for me. He gave me a Paraffin spa, 2 different Fondue pots and a very thoughtful frame with pictures of all of us in it. God I love that man. We may fight a lot, but my love has never changed.

I was talking to him today about how I have been stressed about AF being due. He was good about it. He said to me, "that maybe AF won't come this time." I broke down then and there, and told him how scared I was. I explained that I don't even know if I can get excited. I am just so scared of losing another baby. He just held me, and so did Emilee. She gets so upset if she sees me crying. She came to me and was hugging me and kissing me. She kept holding my face and saying, "Mommy happy?" I tell her that she makes Mommy happy. She is such a special little girl.

So, as I end this I am just waiting. I hope I keep waiting for 9 months...