Amanda's Journey Week One

Read All of Amandas Journey

10/22/02

It has been a hard day for me. A very emotional day. I got a reminder call yesterday from my OB's office reminding me of my appointment for Wednesday for an ultrasound. To me, this was so insensitive. Don't you think they would have canceled any appointments I had once I miscarried?! It killed me to call this morning and say, "Please cancel my appointment for tomorrow because I miscarried so it is pointless." It hurts so much right now to think that tomorrow I would have been seeing my baby's heartbeat for the first time. I remember that feeling of ultimate joy when we saw Emilee for the first time. I have lost that with our angel.

We have named our angel baby. We choose a name that has so much meaning for us. Ashling is an Irish name that can be used for male or female. It means "Dream." It is so perfect for our baby because he was our dream come true. At the same time he has allowed us to dream again. We now know we can get pregnant on our own.

A wonderful friend on the July2k board here at Pregnancy.org sent me a beautiful gift. In her card she explained that she was about to make us a different card when I announced our sad news. Instead she went on to make me a beautiful gift. A gift that I will cherish forever. I opened this little wooden box to a beautiful smell of potpourri. I gasped when I saw what she made for me. There was a little tiny bracelet that spelled Ashling and had a cross hanging from it. I started crying right away. Dh was there and he even got a little teary. This box now sits right next to our bed. I open it every night and hold Ashling's bracelet. It makes me feel close to our baby. It saddens me that this is what I have to have to feel close to Ashling. It shouldn't just be a bracelet. It should be Ashling growing inside of me. It should be me being able to sing and talk to my little one so he/she will recognize my voice when they enter this world. Alas, this won't happen.

Why? Why can't anyone answer my simple question of, "why??" Sure some people have what they think is the answer but it is not the answer I want. Does that make sense? I guess I would like a medical answer. I have gotten so many "spiritual" answers. Some seem so insensitive, but I understand that is what that person believes. Others' answers seem to fit but I just don't understand them. I don't think I will ever understand this.

10/24/02
Today has not been a good day at all. The only thing that got me through today was the amount of cleaning I did. We are having company on Saturday for dinner and a movie so I have been cleaning like a mad woman. I was watching Emilee this morning as she sat and watched TV. She didn't know I was watching her. I was thinking about how much I love her smile -- how it just lights up her whole face. How it shines through her eyes. I started to cry wondering what Ashling's smile would have been like. Wondering if he would have had his Daddy's nose like Em does. I will be honest. I can't even imagine what he would have looked like. I can't bring a picture of him in my head. I want to be able to think of him as a baby in my arms. To think of what he would have looked like. I don't quite understand why I can't do this. It is like I am blocking my mind from doing this. Maybe subconsciously I can't deal with it. I don't know.

I went yesterday to get blood work done for my Thyroid. I have been Hypothyroid for 3 years now. You would think my levels would have stabilized by now. I dread finding out my level tomorrow. I am afraid that my level will still be messed up and then I will be pretty sure of the cause of my miscarriage. I hate the not knowing for sure. In regards to TTC again, I am not sure what we are going to do. My OB suggests waiting 2 cycles. I understand why but it kills me to wait that long. I don't understand why some doctors tell you to wait while others say go ahead and try right away. Who is right?!?!

10/28/02
Ok, it has been a few days, but I had an incredibly busy weekend. We had company over Saturday for dinner. It was officially my first "dinner party." I made homemade fresh spaghetti, sauce, bread and salad. Everyone loved it. I was a bit nervous because I know some don't like homemade spaghetti. I think they did because one guests went back for a third helping! I was quite proud of myself. I think it did me some good to have company over. Being around others helps me forget sometimes. The few glasses of wine I had helped too!

The hardest part of the night though, was my sister's Halloween party. We went there after our company left. I had 2 people congratulate me on the pregnancy. It was so hard to have to say, "Oh, we lost the baby." It sort of puts a downer on the evening. I didn't get my chance to say, "Oh, thanks! We are so excited about this pregnancy!" Now I think I understand why some people wait so long to tell people. I think the next time we will only tell close family and a few select friends. I am one of those types of people though, that just cannot keep a secret. So, it is hard when we have such huge news.

I have been keeping away from the boards here since we lost Ashling. I explained to my July2k girls that I just can't be with them right now. I feel like I can't give them the support they need right now when I can barely support my own family or myself. They are a great bunch of women, and I feel bad for deserting them, but I know it is for the best right now. I still just feel lost I guess. Living each day just to get through it.

My tests came back good from the doctor. My thyroid level is down to 2.2! YAY! My HCG level was under 5 so that is good, too. Now just to get AF here soon! The sooner it comes, the sooner we can try again! I wonder if people are really going to read this. Do people really want to read about my grief? I don't know. I can only hope that it might help someone else going through the same emotions I am right now.