January 11/12 = another sleepless night. Imagine that. I guess I don't really have any updates right now. Nothing from Steve. Nothing feels weird with my pregnancy. Everything is the exact same as yesterday. I'm still disappointed that I can't do the things I used to enjoy. I'm going to go to as many shows as possible while I can in the next month or two. It should be okay as long as I'm careful about where i stand. I will be. I have five or six lined up, so that should be fun. I can't wait until Wednesday when I move to Greensboro. I'll have class to keep myself occupied with which will be great. Maybe I'll get Steve off my mind for a while and be able to sleep. Maybe not. At least I can sit and study if all else fails. That is more than I can do now. I am kinda concerned about the whole roommate while pregnant thing. I haven't spoken to her once, and I'm not sure exactly how she will take that. I guess I'll see soon enough.
I kinda have another worry. That's all I do. I need to fix it. But what man is going to want a 19 year old woman with a baby? Most boys my age will not go for that. I guess it doesn't really matter. I don't want a relationship for a long time. I don't think I could deal with getting hurt AGAIN. I guess it can just be me and Landon. I don't think I will mind that for now or forever. Why would I need a man anyway? I did want another baby, but now I'm not so sure. I know my bond with Landon is going to be greater than any bond I will ever have with another human being. I just don't feel like a second child could top that. He's my hope for the future, and I love him. I really can't see having two children now. Wow I feel old. What's left exactly? A few weeks ago I had college, an exciting career, years of travel, marriage, kids, everything ahead of me. Now college isn't for me. The exciting career isn't for me. It's all going to be just so I can get by to make the best life possible for my baby. Travel is pretty much out the door. He needs a stable home and school to grow up in. Wow I realize more and more everyday just how not according to plan my life is going. I think the problem is that I have to have a plan now. I love spontaneity. It is what I live for. The same routine everyday, doing things exactly by the books... it's not me. I like order, but at the same time i hate it. I'd die without it... but it is going to be hard to adjust to so much of it. I have to be the responsible one now. For once. I've never been the responsible one. I guess if I was I wouldn't be in this situation would I? I mean, it's heartbreaking to know that I know exactly what is going to happen. I'm going to get an apartment in Greensboro and just... get by. I'm not going to up and go to California any random time like I had always wanted to do. I'm not going to be able to just get up, get some friends and go out for the night. I'll have a baby to take care of. I probably won't do any crazy partying anymore... and I haven't even had my 21st birthday. That birthday was supposed to spent in Las Vegas or... somewhere doing whatever I get myself into for that one night. More than likely that will be spent with Landon completely sober. I'll have so little time to spend with him... I'll have to take every chance I get. That's fine with me though. I'd rather spend it with the one person in the world that needs me and the one person that is going to care about me unconditionally. It's kinda funny how your entire perspective of life changes with a baby. I was listening to that song by Nickelback earlier or well a lot this week actually. The one about how everyone needs someone to care or whatever. Weeks ago I would have been crying over that song thinking about how I need a man in my life to care about me and that I can care about.... now I just smile when I hear it and think of Landon. And how I have that one person now. That is more comforting than any man... or boy has ever been to me.
I guess I'm done with my pointless rambling for the night.