...And the Long Nights Continue.

heathur12's picture

January 11/12 = another sleepless night. Imagine that. I guess I don't really have any updates right now. Nothing from Steve. Nothing feels weird with my pregnancy. Everything is the exact same as yesterday. I'm still disappointed that I can't do the things I used to enjoy. I'm going to go to as many shows as possible while I can in the next month or two. It should be okay as long as I'm careful about where i stand. I will be. I have five or six lined up, so that should be fun. I can't wait until Wednesday when I move to Greensboro. I'll have class to keep myself occupied with which will be great. Maybe I'll get Steve off my mind for a while and be able to sleep. Maybe not. At least I can sit and study if all else fails. That is more than I can do now. I am kinda concerned about the whole roommate while pregnant thing. I haven't spoken to her once, and I'm not sure exactly how she will take that. I guess I'll see soon enough.

I kinda have another worry. That's all I do. I need to fix it. But what man is going to want a 19 year old woman with a baby? Most boys my age will not go for that. I guess it doesn't really matter. I don't want a relationship for a long time. I don't think I could deal with getting hurt AGAIN. I guess it can just be me and Landon. I don't think I will mind that for now or forever. Why would I need a man anyway? I did want another baby, but now I'm not so sure. I know my bond with Landon is going to be greater than any bond I will ever have with another human being. I just don't feel like a second child could top that. He's my hope for the future, and I love him. I really can't see having two children now. Wow I feel old. What's left exactly? A few weeks ago I had college, an exciting career, years of travel, marriage, kids, everything ahead of me. Now college isn't for me. The exciting career isn't for me. It's all going to be just so I can get by to make the best life possible for my baby. Travel is pretty much out the door. He needs a stable home and school to grow up in. Wow I realize more and more everyday just how not according to plan my life is going. I think the problem is that I have to have a plan now. I love spontaneity. It is what I live for. The same routine everyday, doing things exactly by the books... it's not me. I like order, but at the same time i hate it. I'd die without it... but it is going to be hard to adjust to so much of it. I have to be the responsible one now. For once. I've never been the responsible one. I guess if I was I wouldn't be in this situation would I? I mean, it's heartbreaking to know that I know exactly what is going to happen. I'm going to get an apartment in Greensboro and just... get by. I'm not going to up and go to California any random time like I had always wanted to do. I'm not going to be able to just get up, get some friends and go out for the night. I'll have a baby to take care of. I probably won't do any crazy partying anymore... and I haven't even had my 21st birthday. That birthday was supposed to spent in Las Vegas or... somewhere doing whatever I get myself into for that one night. More than likely that will be spent with Landon completely sober. I'll have so little time to spend with him... I'll have to take every chance I get. That's fine with me though. I'd rather spend it with the one person in the world that needs me and the one person that is going to care about me unconditionally. It's kinda funny how your entire perspective of life changes with a baby. I was listening to that song by Nickelback earlier or well a lot this week actually. The one about how everyone needs someone to care or whatever. Weeks ago I would have been crying over that song thinking about how I need a man in my life to care about me and that I can care about.... now I just smile when I hear it and think of Landon. And how I have that one person now. That is more comforting than any man... or boy has ever been to me.

I guess I'm done with my pointless rambling for the night.


I am not quite sure how far along you are in your pregnancy and it is possible that this post comes to you a bit late, but if not I hope what I say might help.

My situation does not mirror yours; I am married and the father is there for my daughter and my child to come.

However I can understand your loneliness. My husband and I have been together for 6 years (since I was barely 19). I think he is under the impression that having children didn't necessarily mean a change to his life often times. I love my husband, but there is still a selfish immature side to him that is so hard to deal with.

For instance, about a year after having my daughter I chose to finish school. He made it clear that if I went back to school and worked all daycare and other expenses incurred due to me working would be my problem. Same with the child on the way. Prior to going back to work he was mean to me because I didn't work.

Its a never ending cycle. Your afraid of being alone, but being with someone doesn't necessarily ease the loneliness.

It's a shame that the father does not want to be a part of your child's life currently, but I have found that men often come around once the child is born. I am not saying his actions are right as they are childish, but if he is as kind as you say then he will most likely come around.

You have to ask if you want him to be in yours or your child's life if he doesn't want to? It isn't better for a child to have an unloving parent just for the sake of having two parents.

I can also understand your fear of not ever finding a man. There is nothing wrong with that. This is all very new, exciting, and scary to you (and any first time mother whether single or attached). Its hard to imagine that at 19 you are trading in your single "partying" days for loveless, sleepless nights. Relax! A lot of men out there have no problem with a woman who has children. No doubt, your search will be harder now as you will seek out different qualities in a man (more mature qualities), but you will find a loving, caring man.

Also, although your days of concerts, trips, and long nights will be traded in for 3 a.m diaper changes and feedings, and walks in the park with your child you will find that you are as resentful and sad as you thought you would be. You will miss these things (I did and still do), but babies grow older and just think, when your child is old enough to be independent, you will still be young enough to have lots of fun.

The hardest years don't last long, but they are rewarding and well worth it. Forgive me for rambling on too much, but if you need someone to talk to, I will listen