Anger

Who knew that there are so many reasons to be angry after a miscarriage? I am a mental health care professional so I am well acquainted with the stages of grief. I was not shocked by my shock. I expected and allowed my sadness. What I was not prepared for, however, was the depth and breadth of my anger. I am ANGRY. I am angry with any pregnant woman who has the audacity to be within a 30 foot radius of me. I am angry with the well-intentioned monsters who tell me that "It was not meant to be." I am angry with the randomness of the world that pulled the losing lottery ticket for me and my baby. I am angry with my body for betraying me, for being so indifferent to my desire for this child. I am angry with my husband for not having to suffer the physical consequences of this loss. I am angry at the physical pain I still feel (albeit less and less) from the D&C that was performed two days ago and took my baby from me forever. I am angry with the medications I have to take to mitigate the pain but that make me sleepy, confused, and nauseous. I am angry with the relentless press of time that carries me further and further away from the memory of what it was like to be happy and pregnant. I am angry that time passes so slowly and that I have to wait MONTHS before my husband and I can again cast our lot in this game of chance. I am angry that I was so naive as to assume that I was invulnerable to this heartbreak. Miscarriages happen to other people - good people, healthy people, yes, but other people.

There it is. I am most angry because I now know, beyond all doubt, that I am subject to the random twisting and turning of human life just like everyone else. I have no magical force field that protects me from tragedy, although my relative lack of it thus far in life has lulled me into a very false sense of security. As powerfully as I long for a child, I now know more intimately the risk involved in loving so deeply and completely. I am not angry, I am afraid.

Comments

Amy1220's picture

Submitted by Amy1220 on

Your blog made me cry. I am one who has had multiple miscarriages, multiple pregnancies that were ended by my body and it made me so mad, and sad, and lost, and I felt isolated and alone. Though I am currently carrying, I live with the fear of another miscarriage every day, and it often consumes me to the point of an almost OCD like obsession.

Please know you are not alone. please know I will not offer you any platitudes, it ticks me off to when people deign to make commentary on my pain as well, especially when it is so PERSONAL.

Please also know that I will keep you in my prayers, and will hope for the best and will know that like myself, there are others out there not like you, but feeling the feelings that you do.

I hear you!!

I've lost my second baby, Kendal Jacob, 5 weeks ago at 3 months... "lost" isn't that a funny way of putting it... he's not "lost"... I am!! I so hear you with your anger!! People keep saying that "it get's easier"... I'm still waiting for that!! My poor children have to deal with a psychotic mother who can lose her cool at any given moment... This grief is like throwing a boulder (screw the pebble) in the pond... and the ripples are felt by everyone in the house!

There is a song, "Held"... about a mother miscarring at two months... and a line in it sure does fit in here... " This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow."

I am sorry that you're going through this... that I'm going through this... If you need to talk more... feel free to email me... trinamiller07@msn.com We can go crazy together!

Trina

I hear you!! I've lost my baby, Kendal Jacob, five weeks ago, at three months... "Lost"...isn't that a funny way of putting it... He's not "lost"... I am!!

And the anger... oh, people say, "it get's easier with time"... I'm still waiting for that!! My poor children at home! They are having to deal with a psychotic mother who can lose her cool without a moments notice! This grief is like a huge boulder (screw the pebble analogy) that has been thrown in the pond... and the ripples effect everyone in our family!!

I've been listening to a song, "Held", by Natalie Grant about a mother who has lost a child at two months (it's religous, not sure how I feel about that, anger there too... I've told God to "bite me"!) There are a couple of lines in it that resonates with me... "This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow."

I don't know if this helps... I'm sorry you're going through this... Hell, I'm sorry that I'm going through this!!!!! If you'd like to chat some more, here's my email address, trinamiller07@msn.com We can go crazy together!

Trina

I hear you!! I've lost my baby, Kendal Jacob, five weeks ago, at three months... "Lost"...isn't that a funny way of putting it... He's not "lost"... I am!!

And the anger... oh, people say, "it gets easier with time"... I'm still waiting for that!! My poor children at home! They are having to deal with a psychotic mother who can lose her cool without a moments notice! This grief is like a huge boulder (screw the pebble analogy) that has been thrown in the pond... and the ripples effect everyone in our family!!

I've been listening to a song, "Held", by Natalie Grant about a mother who has lost a child at two months (it's religious, not sure how I feel about that, anger there too... I've told God to "bite me"!) There are a couple of lines in it that resonates with me... "This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow."

I don't know if this helps... I'm sorry you're going through this... Hell, I'm sorry that I'm going through this!!!!! If you'd like to chat some more, here's my email address, trinamiller07@msn.com We can go crazy together!

Trina

I'm sorry if you've gotten more than one "comment" from me... it seems like my brain is "on hold"!! I couldn't figure out why it wasn't posting... after trying to post the stupid thing three times, I realized that "Your comment has been queued for moderation by site administrators and will be published after approval." God, even the simplist things are so hard right now!!

Anyways...take care

Trina

Submitted by Trixie77 on

What can I say other than you took the words right out of my mouth!!!

Hi! I just went through my first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage in February. I found out at 10 weeks that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I am also familiar with the stages of grieving although my profession is not medically related at all. I was so shocked when the doctor walked in with that sadden face and looked at me and my husband and said he was sorry. I immediately sucked it up and said that it was okay and that it was just meant to be. After glancing over at my husband about in tears I knew I'd better say something like that!!

I was stunned. I had no idea how this had happened to us. We are Christian folks and good people and that just wasn't suppose to be in our cards. It has been a very long two months. I decided not to have a D&C and decided that my body would tell me if my baby had stopped growing. I wasn't even spotting anymore so the ultrasounds had to be wrong.

A week later we went back to the doctor for a second confirmation u/s. My husband didn't want to believe it either. But it was true there was no heartbeat. I was in denial at first and I was just going to have to wait on God to take from me what He had given me. I was waiting to have a natural miscarriage! No man was going to take from me what had been given to me as a gift from God.

It took four weeks for my body to begin to let me know it was real. The worst four weeks so far in my life. Isolation hit hard. I haven't even been to church since I found out. Mainly, because another woman just gave birth and another is due in August which would have been my due date! I don't even look at women with children in the grocery store and smile anymore. I look at them and think why? Why couldn't I have been the one to have a child.

It's really sad and I hate feeling that way. I'm not really the type of person that I think would go through the bargaining stage but I have pretty much settled in on the anger stage. Although, it may not sound that way, I have gotten less angry over the last week. My miscarriage lasted for three weeks. My cervix opened and I passed the contents of my uterus. The doctor removed what was left with an in office procedure. Afterwards, I was shaking and didn't even know it. My husband asked me if I was okay and I said sure and he said you are shaking! I was still just in shock about all of it.

There are four other women very close to me that are pregnant and I can't even be excited for them. I don't know how long it will take for me to get to the acceptance stage but I hope and pray that it's not much longer. I hate feeling this way!!! But I truly can't help it. Most of the time I bottle it all up and deal with it once a week. Either crying or yelling at someone to just have some kind of release of it all.

Right now, I am waiting on my first cycle to come. It's only been a week since I stopped bleeding from the miscarriage so surely it can't be much longer. We are going to try again right away. I don't see any sense in waiting.

Well, I know I have gone on and on but I kind of feel better knowing someone else feels as angry as I do. I was really beginning to think I was loosing my nerve being so angry and all.

I would like to hear more from you if you are willing to share it with me. And forgive me for not saying my condolences for your recent loss but I know I am sick of hearing people's empty "oh, sorry" and honestly after reading your blog I know you feel the same way I do and that is that no one persons words are going to make any of it better!!

Thank you though for sharing your feelings.

Submitted by blakangel (not verified) on

6 miscarriages and still no children...anger, hate...and never ending sorrow. My first miscarriage was over 10 yrs ago and I still carry the pain and the grief.

At times it's not there and I can live a normal happy life, but when I see babies, infants or any child that would mark the birth of any one of my angels I get sad. Even writing this brings me to tears.

I hated everything and everyone because it did not stop moving. Didn't anyone realize that my angel was gone? With time talking about it helped. But don't force talking, when you are ready you will know. I once had someone tell me well its worse if the baby would have been born and then died. The LOSS was REAL to me so please save your condolences, if you haven't experienced a miscarriage you don't know what its like so please don't try and say something (you just don't understand).

I'm still trying to have children and I think that as long as I am within child bearing years and I don't go crazy I will not give up.

I hope that you don't either. I won't give you advice or condolences just know that there are people out there that are going through this and have gone through it before that care. And, that I care and wish you luck and will hold you in my prayers.

After I wrote this blog post I checked for comments for a few days. When there were none, I stopped checking because I already felt so alone that seeing no responses felt all the more isolating. Tonight, and I don't know why, I checked again and was so shocked to see that people had actually written back to me! Thank you so much!!! I can't even express how much it means to see that others have connected with my pain. I have felt so alone in this process. Even though I know that your pain is different from mine, I feel heard and known. You can't know how much that means to me. Thank you!

It has been four weeks now and I wouldn't say that I'm still as angry as I was. Now I just feel alone and sad. And needy - I feel like I need constant reminders that I am loved. I think that the loss of my baby has thrown my sense of meaning out of balance. I need my husband more than ever to ground me and center me. I feel bad for him because I must seem like a crazy woman - constantly needing him to comfort and reassure me - but that's truly what I feel like I need! I'm working on making sure that I tell him when I need him. Even if it's just to tuck me in at night (he stays up much later than I), I need him to know that I need him. People tell me that this is normal. I don't feel normal! I feel like an emotional train wreck.

Submitted by tearz_505 on

I found out almost a month ago I was pregnant.
I was so scared, but excited. This was my first pregnancy, and since I'm at a point in my life where I think I'm ready, I accepted it with open arms and smiles.

Everything was going well. I was put at almost 7 weeks. Two days after my first u/s I started spotting. Though it wasn't much, it worried me. My doc office got me in between appointments, and the u/s was right afterwards, so I didn't even have time to get a hold of my guy. Within a matter of hours I had seen my doctor, who recommended another u/s.

The tech wouldn't explain anything (per docs orders), and I was told to call my doc as I was leaving the office.

He calmly stated "it looks like this one is gonna end in miscarriage, I'm sorry, it happens."

So, as I walked out of the hospital, I had to drive across town with out crying and try to tell him with out losing it completely, because I still had to drive the other way across town to our house! In one day I had to drive pretty much a triangle of the city with out crying so I could see the road. By the time I got home I lost it. I bawled for another few hours.

This loss is something I've never imagined. I had a dream the night before my first u/s. It was a girl (I was secretly hoping for a boy). We see the heartbeat, the placenta was forming and attaching, and less than a week later, our baby was gone.

I find it hard to do so many things because either my friends AND relatives just got done having a baby, or they're expecting. And I'm jealous. I talked to my friends about their kids, and it seems none of them have had a miscarriage. So the best answer I get it, it just wasnt meant to be. (how would they know anyhow).

As someone who cold turkey quit smoking, cut out the caffeine, changed my diet so it was more baby-friendly, etc. I see pregnant women and think "why can't that be me?"

My guy's sister is 7m pregnant. I'm so angry at her I can't stand to be around her. this is her second child and she takes the pregnancy for granted, it really just drives nuts. She still smokes, and I know she's been drunk once like within the past couple of weeks (she swears it was only 3 glasses of wine, but HELLO?! alcohol=bad for baby)! And he doesn't understand why I can't stand her.

During the miscarriage I would cry out of nowhere. Just watching tv, listening to the radio, or trying to finish up some work at home. And all I wanted was to be near my guy and have him hold me, tell me its okay... But his sister called incessantly wanting him to hang out, watch movies, or stay for dinner. Thats when I became the angriest, and withdrew the most.

I was finally honest with my guy and told him that I may not know her the best, but I don't understand how she can be pregnant, but I can't. And how it's not fair that she can call him up at a moments notice and he jumps, but she wont respect me enough to let me have time with him.

I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. and I still just feel so alone.

In Nov of 2008 I adopted two children of a relative (who just shouldn't have been a mom), so I've had to keep going for them. I know I'm lucky in that aspect but it doesn't help the anger, it doesn't help the hurt, and it doesn't help me not feel like a failure.

I've tried to joke about things, make jokes about my life, and that's making it much easier. I know my friends want to be there, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who acts like a vampire to light when I see a pregnant woman heading my way.

You have much love and prayers coming from this woman in Nebraska, USA.