I just want to apologize for not writing for a few weeks but I felt it wasn’t the right time. I didn’t realize that the holidays would be so hard and I needed some healing.
First week of December:
Our first pregnancy was due sometime during this timeframe. As we decorated our tree it hit me that we should be getting ready to welcome a little bundle of joy into our lives. I didn’t realize the pain of our first loss would hold so tight onto me. I felt I was moving forward but the grip and raw pain of this loss brought me to tears again. I spoke with someone, who I consider family, who had a miscarriage over 20 years ago and the emotion and pain when she spoke hit me like a freight train. To this day, the loss of her child still brings her to tears and hurts her heart. It’s a realization that maybe this isn’t something that I need to just get over and move on but I need to accept that this did happen to me. I don’t need to hide what happen like it’s a sin or a failure but I need to embrace it. I have two beautiful invisible children who stand by me and my husband day in and day out and I will someday get to meet. I will always love them.
Second week of December:
I felt better than the first week and was ready to conquer the end of the year. I stopped crying when people who haven’t read my blog asked me when my husband and I were going to have children. I also stopped acting ashamed of the losses. I was feeling really good about everything until someone told me that since I can’t have kids they can give me a baby for free… What? Here’s how it went down. I was sat down and told that the young lady who is pregnant is unable to care for the baby and her family doesn’t want the child. Since I can’t have children that they would be willing to give me the baby for free, no adoption fees. I am in shock. First off, it has yet to be determined that I can’t have children. Second off, I am not a charity case and I don’t need your pity. This might sound harsh but it was presented to me like they were doing me a favor because I am “broken”. Lastly, I am pretty sure there are more legalities than just handing over a child. I denied the offer and I do hope that this baby either can stay with her mother provided she has a loving and caring home or the baby can go to an amazing family who is ready to adopt. I know that the people who offered this to my husband and I had great intentions but it still felt like a stab to the heart. I denied this offer before even asking my husband because I knew how he would feel also. When I told him of this, he was upset and hurt that someone would say this to me. He too knows that their hearts were in the right place but something about it just didn’t sit right with either of us.
Third week of December:
I lost one of the greatest men in the world, my Grandfather. My Grandfather found out he had cancer that had spread throughout his body. Within such a short time, he was taken from us. It was too early and we were not ready for this. I flew to Washington State to be with my family and to mourn the loss of him. The last time I saw him was our wedding day. He was happy, laughing, and full of life. I am happy that is my last memory of him and I will cherish it forever. While in Washington with my entire family, yes all of us made it, I spoke openly and freely about everything. It felt good to not be afraid and to be honest. These people, who do not care if I am short, tall, fat, skinny, or if I had miscarriages, were supporting me as I was them. My family lit me up like I haven’t been in weeks. It felt good to be among them. This week I also realized that I don’t need people in my life who are fake, liars, and that blatantly don’t care about my husband or I. I have decided to keep my distance from those people and will continue to do so. I only want to surround myself with people who are honest and love me and my husband for who we are. I just want to thank my eldest brother for being there with me because my husband couldn’t make it. He protected me from people who were fake and lied and he helped me through everything. He made sure that I was ok before he did anything. I want to thank my Aunt Kathy who when I broke down from the loss of my Grandfather, the pain of people being rude, and the emotions of my miscarriages coming to surface for guiding me through. My husband, thank you for being there when I called you balling my eyes out, giving me a shoulder to cry on, and giving me the strength to take on the next minute, hour, and day. Lastly, I want to thank my entire family, all my friends, and my entire support system. The loss of a loved one can bring out the worst in people and we all supported each other in such a difficult time. I am truly grateful for each and every one of you.
Fourth week of December:
Christmas! My husband and I spent Christmas in Denver with his family. It was so nice to get away from it all. Plus it was a great surprise for them! I was still dealing with the emotions of the previous week but I was able to relax and not worry too much while away. It was also nice being with my husband since I hadn’t seen him for almost a week. I was getting back to feeling good about life, loss, and my emotions. To be honest this year was as horrible as it was amazing. The ups were as hard as the downs and I felt like my husband and I are ready to end a difficult and painful year. As we opened gifts I couldn’t help but feel the warmth and love of his family surrounding us but also of the people in our lives that we have lost. It brings joy to my heart to think that my Grandfather is watching over us and he is able to meet his two beautiful Great-Grandchildren.
Fifth and final week of December and of the year:
This week I am going to end with a doctor’s appointment and then recover from my end of year cold. On December 31st I have an appointment with the hematologist to go over details from my Factor Five Leiden blood clotting disorder. At that time I am going to schedule my appointments for the New Year. I am excited to do nothing for New Year’s but spend time with the love of my life.
If you remember I was supposed to have an HSG appointment the day before Thanksgiving. After waiting for almost two hours, the doctor had to cancel the appointment due to an emergency. It was at that point I decided to wait until the New Year for any further appointments. I felt as if I was at the end of my rope. I had just found out my Grandfather had cancer, I was terrified of this appointment, and I was just exhausted from all the crap. Every weekend of December had something that we had to do and I just wasn’t ready. Now that this year is coming to a close, I feel ready for whatever 2015 has in store for my husband and I. My 2015 New Year’s Resolution – Surround myself with people who love and support us, get rid of all the negativity in my life, and become a stronger person.
Happy New Year’s Everyone!
In loving memory of:
John Sharp April 30th 1934 – December 15th 2014
Our Angel April 19th 2014
Our Angel July 22nd 2014
“If our love could have saved you, you would have lived forever”