Better Start at the Beginning...

First things first… sorry I am not follow any of the “blogging rules”. I am more or less using this as a venting spot for me. My DH, Jason, and I had met on myself in December of 2005. He was living in VA while I was still living in NY. We had first met in person in early March 2006. We started dating on March 10, 2006 and I moved down to VA and moved in with him on March 15, 2006. We were married on October 31, 2009.

Jason has twin boys, Josh and Zach who when I first met them they were only 4 years old. They are the apple of my eye. I would do anything for them. Jason had become a father for the first time when he had gotten his high school girlfriend pregnant. He is such an amazing father to his boys. But that is a totally different story.

Once we were married I wanted to start a family of our own right away, but he wanted to wait. Jason wanted to wait till we had more money, owned a home and knew that his boys were on the right path. So we had waited. Than on our one year anniversary Jason gave me the best gift ever… the green light to starting our own family. I guess he noticed how my clock was ticking and how it was getting harder and harder for me to be happy for our family and friends who were expecting. (Side note I am the youngest of 4, there is 14 years between my sister and me. And Jason is the only child) So as of October 2010 we were actively TTC. I was in my glory, I had run out picked up OKP’s and Pregnancy test. I latterly thought, well I am healthy and so is he, so this should be a piece of cake give it two months and we will be telling our family the good news. Man I was way off on that one, here we are six months later and still no BFP. After 4 months and no luck I had found an OBGYN (I haven’t been to one for almost 9 years) I was hoping that she would tell me to just relax and that everything was good. But once I had gotten my results back I found out that Jason and I both had a bacterial infection. We both had Gardnerella, which if it goes untreated can cause infertility. And then I also had another bacterial infection called Ureaplasma. So thankfully my OB found them and gave me the proper meds to take. Hurdle one down! But then I noticed that I was not ovulating according to the test that I was taking, I followed all directions started testing on the stated day and tested for 5 days straight. Nothing but BFN!! So when I went back in to the OB I asked her about this, she told me to start taking my BBT and charting. Well good news was that in March (after my visit) I went online to my charts and saw that I did ovulate. Oh my, that was such a sweet sigh of relief. Now I was feeling a little bit better about myself I was “normal” I was so frightened that I would not be able to conceive and to be honest that would have killed me. (Our insurance does not cover infertility options and we would have never been able to afford it on our own)

Also during this time that Jason and I are trying to start our own family we find out in January that his children’s mother is expecting her third child. Talk about pouring salt in an open wound. This girl in a lack of other terms, acts like she is this super mom and that she does everything for HER twins. Yet from the first day I met her, she told me that she could never work because that would take too much time out of her day, and that she has a job already, she gets paid to be a mom and there is nothing better than that. This is coming from the one who said she never wants any more kids that they require too much from her. The same person who when she was married was pregnant three times, told her husband that she had three miscarriages but then came out and told us the truth that she had three abortions because she didn’t want to be bothered and now that she is dating a new guy she is thrilled to have his baby and flaunt it all around town. But seeing her get everything that I have worked so hard for is extremely upsetting. It just makes me feel like why even bother, I bust my butt for everything. I have a great job, we have our own place granted we are renting right now but we will be buying a home soon, I pay for all my own bills, I don’t rely on Mommy and Daddy for everything, I am honest, giving. It just really makes me wonder what did I ever do that was so wrong that I cannot enjoy the pleasure of having a baby. What hurts is that I explained this to my mom and all she had to say was it will come in time, now is not your time. I cannot begin to tell you how much I HATE hearing that. There is nothing that will make me cry more than having somebody telling me that it is just not my time.

And what makes thing worse is that Jason and I had said that we are not going to tell our families that we are TTC because we want it to be a surprise, not to mention I cannot stand to hear their “advise” or opinions. Yes I know we are young, yes I know we are renting now, but this is what WE want. But anyways Jason winds up getting upset with me telling me that I am putting pressure on him for a baby when I try to explain to him why I am depressed when AF is in town, or why I want to BD for a few days in a row, or heaven forbid if we go to the stores and it never fails we have to walk near the baby aisles. In Walmart it is next to the pet and food and in Target is it by the toys and DVD’s. And it seems like no matter how hard I try I am just drawn to it. It’s like I have an addition, I HAVE to walk down the aisle once I see them and I can spend an hour there easily. And when I am there looking at the clothing, toys, furniture anything baby I am in bliss. I can see myself sitting in the room holding our baby, our baby the beautiful child that we made from love and everything just seems so right. But once I turn to leave my own personal bliss it feels like somebody just tore my heart out. Right then and there all I want to do is cry; it takes so much for me to hold back the tears at least until I get home. Even once I get home I tend to get the third degree, why do you do that to yourself? You know how you feel after walking around the baby section. I try to explain to Jason that I don’t have a reason why I do it; I am just drawn to it, like a moth to a light.

Never mind trying to be happy for friends and family who are expecting, again it always comes down to the why not me… It’s not that I am jealous or mad that they are happy, but it’s just another reminder that I am still not a Mom. I like to have control of things and I guess with this being out of my control it is just driving me crazy.

Well I think that is enough for one day… I feel that I have gotten most things off my chest. It’s just so frustrating to not have somebody to turn to during this time, somebody who is local and going thru the same thing or similar. But that’s the reason for me starting this blog, this way I can get everything off my chest and not “bother” anybody with my thoughts and feelings.

Comments

Submitted by babywings1 on

Hey. Your story sounds similar to mine. Except that I did get pregnant - after four months of trying. They say you have to "not" think about it - well I had so much stress going on that I completely did not think about getting pregnant. Then, one day - I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself (I had been sick for a week) and decided I'd take a test and it came back positive immediately. Very dark lines. I sat and stared at it for the longest time. That was a Friday. Monday, I started bleeding. I went to a Patient First and they basically said I was pregnant, but there was nothing else they could do. I called an ob/gyn close to me and they saw me the next day. The doctor was a ...um..well I didn't like her - she was very cold. Said either everything was too early or I was having a miscarriage. They drew blood and had me come back on Friday for my blood tests to test my HCG level. Well, they fell. I was having a miscarriage. I knew I was pregnant for two days before I started to lose my baby. I'm not telling you this to gain sympathy or to make your position look good or bad. I'm telling you this because aside from my "chemical" pregnancy - we sound exactly the same. I hate people's "advice", I am drawn towards pacifiers and bottles for some reason, everyone around me is pregnant and having no complications and it drives me nuts. Plus, I live in VA - just like you Smile Anyway, you can always turn to me - I know exactly what you're going through.
Jessica