Im very excited that my husband finally agreed to start trying to have a baby! I have been waiting quite a while, my body screaming at me that it was ready and my eyes following all those new moms holding their own babies. I was starting to feel more and more sad about not having my own and how my husband always said no when I asked him. I think THAT actually made me the most sad. I felt like he wasn't on my side! He has a lot of goals that he wants to accomplish before having children. I understand where he is coming from. I also think that babies-while changing your life-also fit into your life so that while you may not have the time to do EVERYTHING you want, you don't have to throw out all your hopes and dreams. I am also determined to make sure my husband gets to do all the things he wants to do so badly, even when we do have a child. He is a marine and has been flagged-chosen- for recruiters duty, which is a three year special duty assignment that would allow him to be here in the US for the next 3 years and not have to deploy. This assignment is not a for sure thing for him yet but if he does get it, it would be an ideal time for us to have a baby together because he'd be here for the early years! And even if he doesn't get to be a recruiter and deploys soon, that is probably going to be our life. He wants to make a career of this, so either way, it almost doesn't matter when we do decide to have a child.
I also have books for my husband on my mind. Before I was thinking, well this pregnancy I'll be having will mostly be me since HE'S not growing a person inside of him. But I realized that wasn't true. He'll be changing and going through ups and downs about it just like me and I want to find an awesome book that helps him through that and that helps me to help him through it. I also want to make sure he knows our relationship WILL go through changes, but if we are aware of that, we will probably transition happily.
I will stop working when I get pregnant I think, because I work as a swimming instructor and chlorine is NOT a good thing for pregnancy, over-chlorination (which the pool I work at is definately) can cause miss-carriages and I definitely don't want that to happen! It will give me time to work on the book Im writing and to concentrate on school-I go to National University. I just hope that when I do have a baby, my parents will step in and help me out too-occasionally baby-sitting and taking a vested in my children. My mom doesn't seem that interested in it though. I feel like she wants to step back and scream, "SUFFER!!!" instead of being helpful....like she wants me to experience the worst time I could with my baby.
My nana is excited though, and Im excited for her. She's very old now, though also very hale, and I'll be the only grandchild out of 6 to have a child. Most of her grandchildren are older than I am! I also can't get the subject of names out of my head! I want my husband to choose a Korean name for our children and then I want to choose an English name for their middle name and I feel at a loss of what to name them! This isn't some story book character of mine! This is a real person who WILL be affected by whatever name they end up with. I love my name "Fiona" but I don't want my child to live in my shadow but I still want a cool name! Im also feeling at a loss for what to do with my own future child! Haha, I used to feel confident about my ability, but you know how it is when things are close to you and that alone makes it hard to see clearly about them! I think I'll be fine when I end up actually having a baby, but right now Im like...*gulp*