A couple of weeks ago my wife and I discovered that we are pregnant. We weren't trying to get pregnant, although it was part of our plans maybe a year down the road. She has been on a pretty intense diet but the last few weeks she hadn't lost any weight and then she was late. Her dietician advised her to take a test as it wasn't good to continue on the diet if she was pregnant. We drove to the all-night supermarket and bought a couple of mid-priced test kits - after all if we weren't knocked up why waste money right? We got home and she took the test. Sure enough the pink line appeared. She didn't quite grasp it at first but I did - the instructions told me exactly what it meant. In disbelief she tried the next test. Again the line showed as clear as day. We're pregnant! But she still didn't believe it and blamed cheap testing kits. So we drove to the supermarket again and got the most expensive kit we could find - the one that spells it out in plain English. She took it in the supermarket toilet and we went back to the car to see. Sure enough, there in writing - Pregnant.
I'd pictured this moment for years. I'd be bouncing up and down uncontrollably, smiling like a Cheshire cat, ecstatic, delighted. But it was wasn't that way at all. Neither of us smiled, we didn't jump for joy, we didn't talk of names or of the Gender. We sat in the car numb, occasionally glancing at the stick just to make sure it hadn't changed it's mind. The only positive thing that flashed through my mind in true Alpha Male stylee was that I had proved myself capable of fathering offspring - my loins were fruitful! I couldn't even bear to look at my wife in case she saw the disappointment on my face. Every single reason why this was such a bad idea right now went through my mind. My business is suffering in the recession - what if I couldn't provide especially with the loss of her income, even if temporarily. What if I had to give up my business and get a job - my hopes and dreams down the drain. We'd spent all of our money on fancy holidays and new cars instead of completing the renovation of our house - how could we bring a child home to live in a half-finished house? How could we have been so stupid to have let this happen?
Two weeks on I've not recovered and I honestly wish it would go away - leave us to our lives - let us get fixed up and in a position to give this child a real future. I'm not happy or excited about it - nothing has given me that feeling that I had craved for years about becoming a dad. I know it's a blessing and there are couples out there who are having problems conceiving who would give anything to swap places but I can't feel it. I'm so scared that I can't give this child the things I want to give it. We've told a few people and all have said what I greate Dad I'll be but I can't see it - what if I still feel the way I do now after the 1st scan or after it's born. What kind of a father will I be then?
An incident last week really brought it home to me. My wife insisted on going shopping for some unisex baby clothes. We spent a small fortune and as I stood in line at the counter to pay all I could think about was how much it was costing, would I be able to provide the right things for the child, would I be the great provider I'd always hoped I would be. Then another guy, about my age, wandered passed to join the back of the queue and he had almost the same items I was buying. The difference was this guy was positively bouncing with a huge smile on his face. And then it really hit home - that should be me! That's how I'd imagined myself to be at this point. And I wasn't. I wasn't happy - I was absolutely scared to death.
Is this normal to feel this way? Is it right - I don't know but right now I'm in hell and feel like curling up into a ball and hoping it will all go away and things will get back to normal. I want to be a Dad but this is not how I'd imagined to be at all.