First Blog

I've had a few blogs here and there. Never on however so I thought "Why not?"

I am not sure how often I will use this but I would like to be able to keep some type of timeline for Talia's experiences, and my own at times.

Talia will be 3 on October 29th, 2009. It seems like just yesterday, it was April 2005 and I came home after arguying for hours with adoption agencies in Canada about the possibility of adopting from China-the Chinese government was more than ready to have me adopt after my visit there but the canadian government was the one making things ridiculous-discouraged, frustrated, I threw my heavy bag of files and documents on the dining room table and announced to my husband that I would not be going for my due Depo Provera shot and that I was done running around in circles; we were going to try to have a baby no matter what experts and drs had said in the past.

In October, I got my first cycle.

March 2006, after being picked up from work by DH, I asked him to stop by the drugstore. I was due for a period, had had the usual painful cramps only, no period. Earlier that week, I had broken into a million hives at work for no reason and had thought that perhaps my hormones were playing tricks on me so hey, why not get yet another test? Worst that will happen, a negative.

Our house had 4 flights of stairs from the top floor to the basement. I think I touched about 3 steps running like a maniac and screaming Sebby!! Sebby!! Holy crap it's positive!!!!

Neither if us could believe it. We were ecstatic and petrified. Sure enough, 3 days after our initial test, I started having ovary pain like when I had a cyst ready to rupture. Called the dr who ran me to get an U/S. I was alone and mortified. The technician told me that she wouldn't be allowed to tell me anything that she saw.

After 20 minutes under the U/S probe, the technician looked at me and whispered "It's not ectopic, you're ok" I was beyond relieved but before I could breathe she asked "Is the father with you?" Sadly, he wasn't as I had been rushed there rather quickly. I shook my head no and she put her hand on mine and asked softly "Would you like to see your baby's heart?"

On the monitor, a sweet little lima bean appeared with a heart beating fiercely at 152 bpm.

Instant love.

I was one of the lucky people who was blessed with a rather easy pregnancy and birth. Though Talia came out after 14 hours in 6 pushes and 8 minutes, I didn't hear her beautiful cries. I heard nothing. And panic took over.

I saw my little miracle purple, wiggling around but I couldn't hear her. The drs and nurses acted quickly, quietly, suctionned her twice then breathed again. Still, she would not cry.

She didn't cry until 24 hours later. You would never guess this now as she has quite the range Wink

My baby was finally here. In my arms. And post partum depression kicked in hard. I wasn't able to breastfeed, I was petrified of anything happening to her, I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking that God would wake up and realize that he'd given the wrong mother this perfect child. I still fear that he will wake up 2 1/2 years later.

We've been through many ups and downs like any other family.

1 being my husbands infidelity last year which I found out about 2 days before Talia's birthday last year.

He is a good person and I am in no way qualified to judge him. I can only support our marriage and work at keep our family together.

The one thing that I can count on is that Sebby can't lie which is why I figured out what had happened after only 2 weeks.

There is another thing that I can count on when it comes to him; his love for his daughter. He adores her and she adores him. They have a beautiful complicity that I always dreamt of having with my own father.

We bought our first home in May of this year. Something we never would have thought possible. It is not a mansion but it is our own little sanctuary and we are happy here.

Everything is not perfect. I am still going through depression and kicking myself to get the hell out of it. But we are blessed in ways that I still feel I do not deserve.

I truly am the luckiest.