Getting started

After a year and a half of trying to start my family and losing four children before they were with me even a month I had almost given up hope. I knew that it wouldn't be impossible for my husband and I to have a family, but I was scared of having to go through all the fertility testing and procedures. I have PCOS and was always told that it was the getting pregnant part that was the issue, not staying that way. I've cried more in this year and a half past than any other time in my life. I have felt hopeless, and guilty as if each miscarriage was my fault. It got so bad I avoided the baby sections in stores so I wouldn't see the little dresses and jumpers or hang out with my pregnant friend.

But last week I woke up wide awake at five in the morning and I knew I was pregnant. I'm not really one to believe in anything too outlandish like dreams, but I did that day. I dreamt that a little girl was showing me a picture she drew and talking to me. Not like I was her mother, but just like she knew me. I don't remember what we talked about but her picture was one many children draw with big flowers and a goofy sun. Then I woke up, and I felt comforted and content.

I had been taking a pregnancy test on the third Saturday of every month since my husband and I started trying. It was pretty close to when my cycle would start so it seemed like a good idea. My cycle ended on Halloween and on November 10th I had a positive pregnancy test. I don't know how I knew, or how the level of hormone is strong enough so soon, but I did and it is. That first day I was a little scared. What if I lost this one too? Could I handle it? Maybe it was a bad test? So I bought a pack of the digital tests, all said pregnant. And I feel better this time. I'm not scared that it's going to go wrong, or end early. I'm having it confirmed with my doctor this Wednesday. My husband is still a little wary, we've been hurt so many times already. But he'll come around. And then go out to sea. That's the only sad note in this very happy news. I'm married to a sailor who is going to be deployed for my pregnancy. He might not even be able to come home to see our first child born.

But who knows? One miracle has already happened. Another could too.