I want to cry. I feel like i might. I have been very nauseated and vomiting. I am having a ton of cramping. I have been having increased clear discharge. I am completely miserable and getting very easily dizzy. And now I know I am not pregnant. Or at least that my HCG is 0. Not even a hint of being pregnant. I don't have a UTI either. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I crazy. I now have my husband so concerned for me that he has started saying lets stop trying if this is how bad it is going to be. I want to cry this is just miserable. I want to crawl into a hole and sink int the ground.
So we have decided. We are going to try for a second child. He is all for it. We are increasing our sex and not using any barriers. Yet, he keeps saying well I want to go on vacation before we get pregnant. Your not really ovulating right now are you? This is just practicing right? He keeps confusing the heck out of me. Either we are trying to have a child or we are not. There is no in between on this because what happens once I am finally pregnant? Then what. I don't understand and I am horrible at speaking guy.
Well, I had my first appointment last Tuesday. There was no baby on the ultrasound. Only a gestational sack that had stopped developing at 5 weeks and two cysts on my ovary... AFter the appointment I spotted, dark blood. I cried the rest of the afternoon. I didn't want to go out anywhere; I felt too unstable. I woke up in the middle of the night and cried for a long time. Paul took Wednesday off because we were supposed to get blood work results. They never called. We got the results on Thursday when I went to get more blood work. HCG was at 5,000.
The pregnancy is settling in my mind. I have my first ob appointment in less than two weeks on April 21. I changed it to 1:30 pm instead of 10:15 am so that Paul could only take a half day from work. They've been kind of weird about time off lately, not nearly as nice as his last bank was.
I don't know what to feel right now. I am hoping this really is a private blog that only I can see. I need smewhere to write everything out. I am happy, nervous, excited, scared, terrified, hopeful, and everything else. I am annoyed.
We were planning on trying to have another child, just not exactly soo soon. Paul tells me I shouldn't call it a surprise because everyone assumes that means accident. And it isn't an accident. But it was a surprise. He sees no difference in the words. He doesn't see a difference in a lot of words.
How do you tell the father, that you are pregnant? Not really knowing how they will take it, or even how well they will take it. I mean I know that some say that they know as soon as it happens but is that really true? My daughter's father never knew until I told him and then I just couldn't stand him afterwards. But this one I think that he already knows and if he doesn't know I think that he is really trying to get one from me. So how do you tell him that he has made an accomplishment and now it is time to hold on to his end?
So I always knew that I was pregnant. Maybe even from the day that we laid and created this blessing. But what has really baffled me is the fact that I have a three year old and before any of the test showed up positive, she started rubbing my stomach. When I asked her why she was doing that she simply said that a baby was in there. To make matters even worse, she started back acting like a baby herself. Very independant child all of a sudden acting like an infant. So we went to target and she told me that I needed to get a double stroller for her sister, whom she has already named.
Today I am 19 weeks and 2 days along! So happy! I am feeling our little pumpkin moving around more each day and remembering what an awesome feeling it is. It is so hard to believe that there is this precious life growing inside of you and then when you feel the bumps and see this little person on the u/s it is so much more real. I don't think you really wrap your mind around it for sure until you are holding them in your arms though. I am so very blessed and happy to be expecting this little one! People think we are crazy for having a fifth but I don't care. I am loving it!