If only they knew

I really need to get off this website and get my mind to a better place. I'm sitting here all alone at 3:29 in the morning and because of this website all I can think about are my poor little angels.
A month after my last MC my sister and her husband decided to start trying. I was so much more OK with this than anyone in my family has ever been with any of my pregnancies. I want to be happy for her and in my own way I am. I also can't help but feel like a green eyed monster.
My sister whined and cried when she got her period after thier 1st month of "kinda" trying and she swore up and down that she wouldn't be able to get pregnant. She even had the gall to make light of my MC while she and our mother and I were shopping.
My last MC was on Valentine's day and I went through it all alone, my Fiance at the time had been arrested in early January and I found out a few days later that I was pregnant. I knew all the signs when they started and I knew that I was losing the baby, I also knew that there was going to be nobody by my side to help me through it. Although in retrospect, even if he wasn't in prison my ex wouldn't have been any help to me.
My last MC happened in God awful slow motion. I went from happiness to sadness then to elation and finally to devastation. My HCg levels never doubled but they were rising, so the doctor said I was fine, even though I was bleeding and had cramping and was even passing clots. So my happiness at being pregnant turned to that sadness when I started bleeding and clotting, my sadness turned to elation when the doctor said my levels were rising and I was ok. But that all came to a grinding halt when I went to the hospital for a follow up Ultrasound (ordered from a previous trip to the ER) and the Doctor who had ordered the Ultrasound happened to be working so I could have my results that day instead of waiting for 3 days, he told me that the fetus had stopped developing and that it was inevitable that I was going to lose the baby. No guarentee when I was going to lose the baby but it was going to happen. I had to wake up alone everyday and know that my little angel was still in there but that at any moment my body would decide to remove it's little body from me.
It happened while I was at work alone and couldn't leave to go the hospital or to even just curl up and cry all by myself, I had to wait out the pain until my shift was over then I drove myself to the hospital to sit in a waiting room for hours before I got interigated by a doctor who seemed to think I was only there for prescription drugs. I saw things leave my body that night that belong in horror movies, the stuff nightmares are made of.
My so called parents were there to sit by my side. These are the same people who never once in 4 times telling them I was pregnant, never once, said congratulations, never once hugged me and said they were excited or even happy. They sat there and pretended to care while I cried and suffered alone on a cold steel bed.
My sister got pregnant in April and announced it on Mother's day. Yay!! She gave our mother a gift bag with a baby bottle and a baby blanket or something inside, my mother hugged and kissed her and was so damned excited. I left the room and didn't come back until my sister was leaving. Then I grabbed a bottle of Liquor and went to a secluded beach where I drank until the water and sky became the same color.
Now back to this shopping trip, we were at a mall and my sister kept whining about looking at baby stuff and how she wished she could get pregnant, she and her husband had not even officially began trying yet she just got off the pill days before we went shopping, and I was getting teary eyed looking at all the baby stuff that I had no need for anymore. My mother turned to me and asked if I was OK. Normally my response would have been a very polite, "yes I'm fine", or something along those lines but for some reason that is not what I said.
I don't even remember what exactly I did say, but I do remember that it was along the lines of, NO I am not Ok and I will never be ok. It isn't something that just goes away as soon as the blood and pain go away. My mother had the nerve to say to me, that at least I could get pregnant, my poor sister didn't even know if she could. I wanted to scream at the both of them. She hadn't even tried yet! I told her that I would rather know that I couldn't get pregnant than to get pregnant and have that hope and dream ripped away from me every time I did. She told me to grow up and think about someone other than myself for once.
My sister who is 3 years younger than I am had the nerve to tell me that if she could get pregnant she would carry a baby for me since I seemed to be incapable of it. That mall was almost 2 hours from home and if I had driven that day they would have had a hell of a time getting back home. I didn't say much for the rest of our outing and even when my mother told me to buck up I was still young enough to try again I couldn't muster a smile.
I feel so beyond hurt by the people who call themselves my family it isn't even funny. My own mother was planning on aborting me and told me that my biological father talked her out of it and then disappeared after I was born. I asked her if she regretted having me and her answer was "that's neither here nor there". Wow. Hand that woman a Mother of the year award!
After my sisters announcement of her "condition" she has become untolerable, to put it politely. She bitches and whines and cries about every ache and pain. Every episode of heartburn and indigestion. She complains that she can't sleep at night, and the list goes on and on. I want to turn to her and tell her "I would gladly take every single one of those aches and pains just to still be pregnant". She has no idea how lucky she is.
She texted me in early July to talk to me about the menu at her baby shower in November. She called me about Christmas in early August because she will still be pregnant then. I'm not sure if there was even a point to her call or if she really just wanted to rub it in again that she will be blessed with a little bundle of love and I will not.
It hurts me to also know that I am more supportive of her, even though it brings me to tears to think about it, than she ever was, or probably will be, of me. I'm happy for her and I wish her all the best. I just wish someone in my family would be that way for me.
My own Grandmother never once asked how I was when I was pregnant. One day while I was still living at my parents (post my divorce, even though I was seeing someone new I was still technically living there) my grandma calls and talks to my mother. I'm sitting in the same room as she is so I can hear her end of the call and it wasn't really hard to figure out. When my mother said "She's doing good." my heart lept a little, my grandmother had actually asked how I was doing, until my mother continued, "Yeah they like thier new place and they are using the smaller of the 2 spare rooms for the nursery. He is excited, we all are." The next topic became some flowers and my sisters dog who lives with my parents and then they said goodbye. I wasn't even brought up.
Yet my family can't seem to understand why I really don't want much to do with them. Don't get me wrong I love them to death, I would do anything for them and in theory they would for me as well. I just can't help but fel the disappointment and the contempt I have for them.
If in fact I am pregnant now and actually any time in the future that I may become pregnant I will not be telling them, they will find out only if I am around them and I am showing or if they see me after my baby is born.