The Journey Begins - Chasing the Egg

Well, here I am 1.5 weeks after AF awaiting ovulation for this coming Monday. DH and I are already "practicing" for O day and I gotta say, it has been fun to say the least. :) We have been BD'ing every other day since Monday, and I plan on making it daily by this Saturday and doing it twice on Monday. DH is very excited about this plan. He can't believe I'm gonna wake up early on Monday to BD before work lol. For me the more sex we have the sexier I feel, which makes me want to do it more. Good combination for wanting to conceive. I cycled a little earlier than I thought I would have after having the D & C, but I think it is most likely due to the fact that my HCG levels had already started to fall about 3 weeks before the procedure. Since I had a normal cycle (although a little heavier than normal which I am assuming is from not having menstruated since December) I am hopeful that my 28 day cycle has not changed and we can catch my egg that should be ready for fertilization by Wednesday next week.

I have made peace with the fact that I experienced a second miscarriage however, I find myself having feelings of jealousy for a co-worker who became pregnant 2 weeks before I did. Watching her grow and progress successfully when I failed gives me feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, and jealousy. With these feelings comes a flood of emotions that I keep inside me because I don't want my co-worker to feel uncomfortable around me. I just keep thinking that I should have been 16 weeks along already and yet I am having to start over on the road to baby. And to make things even worse for me, we have had a relief doctor working at the hospital who is 7 months pregnant. Seeing her parade her wonderful pregnant belly around is downright torture for me. Yet I put on a smile and make small talk all the same. I know most people would tell me to get over it and to be happy for someone else's joy, but it's really hard to do knowing what could have been. It's just not fair. Why do I have to be the one to endure such pain and heartache? Aren't I deserving of a child like these other women are? It's so depressing. I even find myself getting jealous over the string of pregnant dogs we've had coming in for emergency ceasarian sections. I mean, how ridiculous is that? But it's not ridiculous. These are my feelings and I'm allowed to feel this way. After going through the loss of a child for a second time, I deserve to feel any way I want. I just hope that in about 2-3 weeks, I'll see a positive HPT to share with the world once more.