Life after Potter's Syndrome Entry #2

MrsDisel's picture

We lost our son back on April 25th, 2009 because of Potter's Syndrome. I gave birth at 2:46 that morning and left the hospital that very same day sometime after supper time. After more then 24 hours of labor....After all that work I left that hospital with empty arms and an indiscribable emptiness inside. After waking up the next morning in a fog, we made arrangments for our sons services and burial. Isaacs funeral was on April 29th at 11am. We had a full christian service and then buried my son at a cemetary 1 1/2 miles from our house.

After the burial, they had a luncheon at the church for all of the people that came to support us. We ate...well tried to eat. How can one eat after just burrying their son?? I put on a happy face to hide my pain...I didn't want people coming up and hugging me, telling me advice I did not want to hear. So I just acted as if I was okay, while dying on the inside. When everyone was done and were leaving, we loaded up the many, many plants, bouquets and flower arrangments into our van and drove home, driving by the cemetary one last time that day.

When we got home, my family was their packing up their vehicles and getting ready to head home....back to Canada and Kansas. I put on my happy face and talked with them and mingled as if nothing had ever happened....just acted as if it was any other day and that we hadn't just burried our son.
After many hugs and good-bye, they all left and we were left alone.

I remember sitting in the drivers seat of our van with my legs dangling out the open door and leaning my head against the head rest. Just thinking and remembering all that we had just went through. No parent should ever have to do that....

DH came out of the house and over to the van and I stepped out of the van and we just stood there and held each other. "I looked up at him and told him I want to try for another baby...."
DH told me that I was crazy and that we needed to give it some time before even thinking about having another one. I told him no. There was nothing to think about....I needed a baby. I wanted a baby. I wasn't going to be happy until I had one.

It was then that this new journey began, our new Life after Potter's Syndrome.

I was having major baby fever long before I got pregnant with Isaac. That is why I ended up getting pregnant with Isaac. I wanted and needed another baby. So I was ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant with him and crushed when we found out we couldn't keep him. Having Isaac was like a tease. You know, how sometimes you have a craving for something, you want it so bad that you drive all the way to the store to get it. You get home and open it, only for it to fall on the floor or somehow it gets ruined to the point you can't enjoy it. Thats what it was like with Isaac. I wanted a baby, so I got pregnant and carried him as long as I possibly could before going into labor and then he was born and I held him in my arms.....then he was gone. I never got to actually enjoy my son to the full extent. I never got to take him home. I didn't get to rock him to sleep. I didn't even get to TRY to breastfeed him, or give him a bottle. I never got to change his diaper or even put one on him for that matter....So it was just a tease, and my mothering instinct was left in high gear with no baby to hold and nurture.

I needed to fill that void that was left in my life after losing Isaac. I tried to ignore the emptiness I felt. I tried to direct my attention to different things but nothing ever worked. Isaac was all that filled my every thought. My mothering instinct was still in high gear. My body was needing a baby to nurture and was trying to ignore that my baby was gone. My milk had come in, and it was a bitter reminder of that fact.....

So then I set out to get pregnant, as quickly as possible. Nothing was going to stop me.....

If you have not read our full story you can read that here...