Marie Chronicles -- Entry Eight

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So far, this week has been okay. I'm still sneezing, but I've just gotten used to carrying a Kleenex with me all the time. I was having a problem with migraines, but my wonderful OB gave me a prescription for the pain that is safe to take during pregnancy, and they help so much! I am almost feeling normal again!

When I talked to my doctor's office, I asked them when they consider the start of the second trimester. She said any time after 12 weeks. So, since I am 12 weeks 2 days now, I guess I am in my second trimester! I can't believe it. It seems like just yesterday I got the call that I was pregnant.

I've been having a real hard time with anxiety. Just to afraid to show it. I don't want to come off that I don't like this and I'm not excited about it. See, I am happy, but I am scared to death right now. I honestly don't know how I am going to pull this off. I am so nervous. Between being on bedrest with three toddlers, and then caring for not one, but two newborns with three toddlers it seems impossible. There are days I feel like I can't handle the three I have and now we're adding two more the exact same age. I try not think about how hard it will be, because this is a blessing that would crush me if it was taken from scared as I am, I don't want it taken from me. I want the chance to do it.

I have all these plans on what to do when I am on bedrest and I keep telling myself that I can do it. And I keep telling myself that I can do it once they are here, too. But I am so scared. I keep thinking, "what if I can't handle it," "what if I break down," "what if I get postpartum depression again and cant take care of 5 kids?"

Then, I worry about whether or not my decision to have a tubal ligation is the right one. I know it's the practical one, and the one that is best for us financially and probably me as a parent. But, the thought that I will never be pregnant again after this really saddens me. But, I keep telling myself, its something I HAVE to do. Not only could we not afford another baby after the twins, but also once I have twins to care for...Will I really have the time to do it again? Five kids is a lot, to care for. These are the practical things I tell myself to get me through the knowledge that I will never do this again. They don't help the emotional side of me that loves being pregnant, though. I haven't even had the tubal done yet, and I still get sad about it already.

I don't want to seem like I don't like being pregnant with twins, and I'm not excited to meet them, because I am, on both accounts. I am just scared and nervous that I wont "do a good job". I talk to Mollee about this a lot and she tells me I'm normal and everyone goes through this, I guess I just didn't want to let it out, because I don't want to seem ungrateful for this blessing. I'm so grateful to be given the chance to have twins and raise them, and I am so blessed with all of the children I have...I just wonder how I will do it. I know I can, but there is that part of my mind that says, "oh god, what do I do now?" It feels like a roller coaster. It's scary, exciting and fun all at the same time. It's definitely an experience like no other.

I was reading my Mothering Multiples book tonight and was in the middle of the "getting help" section and I lost it. I started bawling and asking Dave how in the world I was going to do this. I have a hard time keeping my house clean now, how am I going to do it all when I have two babies? The book says to get all the help you can and I got so worried that I don't really have anyone that can help me. I hate feeling sorry for myself. What is worse, I hate worrying. But I don't know how this is going to work sometimes. Dave keeps telling me that everything is going to work out, and that we will manage. He tells me that God wouldn't have given us twins if we couldn't do it, and I know he's right. I just still worry about how things are going to work, and it makes me scared to death sometimes.

Since starting this entry, I have talked to Dave's older sister. She has a daughter that is almost 16. We talked about me needing help and what not during the last months and she agreed that my niece could come and stay with us this summer and be my helper. This has taken a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm still worried about the month of May, because there isn't anyone that can help that month, so I am just praying that I wont have too many problems before the end of May, when school gets out. I'm very happy about my niece being able to come stay with us. It will be so much easier when I go into labor to be able to just leave the house and not have to take the kids anywhere or wait for anyone to get there to watch them -- especially if I go into labor during the night. We will be able to go ahead and leave and my niece can stay with the boys until my MIL can come over and help her take care of them.

I'm feeling a lot better now than I was when I started this entry last week. I still seem to get very emotional, but at least I have one less thing to worry about now. I start to cry and then get mad because someone or something made me cry. I feel so weird sometimes. I guess it comes with the territory; the second trimester has always been the most emotional one for me. I don't know why, but it is. Hopefully Dave can make it through another one! *Laughs*