Marie Chronicles -- Entry Nine

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I feel pretty good this week. Getting out all of my frustrations and letting them all surface really helped a lot last week. This week has been harder more on a personal level. My brother and sister-in-law, along with my 5-year-old nephew and 3-month-old niece moved to Colorado yesterday morning. We invited them over for dinner on Friday night and had a wonderful time. When they left was the hard part. You see my sister-in-law, Jamie, has been my closest friend, my best friend, for over 5 years now. It runs deeper than that, too. She is like the sister I always wanted, but never had. When I walked her out to their car and hugged her, I just couldn't let go. It was the last time I would see her in person for a very long time. How do you say goodbye to a friend, a sister? I cried and she cried and we held on to each other for a long time. By the time we both let go, we were bawling and it was so hard to hug my brother and let them get into the car and drive away. I came inside and cried for half an hour. It was such a hard time, and although it has nothing to do with my pregnancy, it feels good to write it down and let it out.

Yesterday was a lot better, though. We drove to a friend's house in Waco, for their daughter's first birthday party. This little girl is my youngest "girlfriend." We had a really good time. We stayed after the party and had dinner with our friends. This is where the evening got interesting. My friend and I were talking about the twins and what they might be. She asked me if I had done the needle trick and I said no, because I didn't know how it worked. So, she got up and found her needle and we sat down and tried this Old Wives Tale. She said that it tells you about all of your children.

Well, it swung parallel to my wrist and stopped three times in a row, she said those are my three boys, and said the name of each boy after it stopped. Then the needle did a big circle around my wrist. She said that was the sign for twins. After that, it went parallel again and stopped, she said the first baby is a boy, then went perpendicular to my wrist and she said "and a girl." She looked up and said, its a boy and a girl, the boy will be born first. I was so skeptical about it, so she did it on herself, then me again, and it worked correctly on her and I got the same results. She even went in and did each of our husbands and it worked correctly on her husband and when she did Dave, it matched up just as it should have to mine! I was totally amazed. I still am, in fact.

But that isn't the only thing that makes me believe this might actually be true. The babies had very different heart rates when I had my second sonogram. I've never held much stock in the heart rate theory, but one was 124 and the other was 170. And, my dreams have been so vivid with this pregnancy. I've dreamed twice, that they have told me two boys, but those were by ultrasound. Then, in one dream, I had a c-section and they showed me a baby boy first and a baby girl section. I have a very close friend in New York who had a similar dream. She said that she dreamed I had the babies in late June, in the morning, that I had a c-section and that they were a boy and a girl.

All this superstition has really got me thinking, that's for sure! I can't wait to find out what the genders of these babies are. Either way, we have two boys names picked out and two girls names picked out. We argued a little over the names, but finally agreed on these four. Hannah Marie, Heather Grace, Brandon William and Ethan Patrick. If all of these predictions turn out to be true, we will use Brandon William and Heather Grace for boy/girl twins.

The only thing that I am coming up on that has me worried is the end of my progesterone supplements. I have 9 days left of them, and I know that it is probably safe to stop taking them now, but it makes me nervous getting off them. Hopefully, they will test my progesterone levels at my appointment next week. Plus, I will be getting my routine sonogram, and I will get to see the placenta and know that everything is okay, and I will have the reassurance that I don't need these anymore.

Other than that, I have been feeling pretty good. I seem to have gotten my appetite back with a vengeance. My nausea is almost all gone, too. I got carsick yesterday, but that's it. I'm still tired, but I'm getting more motivation to do things around the house. I got a lot of laundry done on Saturday and I've kept the house clean all day today, with the help of the kids. They seem to understand that I am not going to do it all and that I CAN'T do it all. They've been really good about picking up their toys and such. Which is a big help, and keeps my less stressed about everything. I think that if I can get them to help more, it will be a lot easier once the babies are here.

One thing that has been playing on my mind is that I am almost scared to have a girl -- especially just one. What if I favor her? I know parents aren't supposed to do that, and it makes me sad that I might. But, I have some newborn clothes for a girl that my sister-in-law gave me and I just FAWN over them. What if I am that way with a baby? Will my boys get super jealous? Will they think I don't love them?

I was talking about this to Frances tonight and she told me that it was good I have these feelings now, so that I can make sure I don't fawn over the little girl, if we have one. I guess that's good advice, too. It just worries me a little. If I am this way about clothes, how will I be with an actually baby? In the end, it really doesn't matter, I will love all my children the same. But am I a horrible person because I really do want a girl? I still remember crying after Andrew's ultrasound. Will I do that again? Many people have told me my reaction to Andrew's sonogram was normal, and to not beat myself up over it, but I still feel guilty, to this day.

What if both babies are boys? Will I be upset; will it not matter to me? All I really want are two babies that are born healthy at a safe age and that I get to take them home immediately, and NOT have to stay in the NICU. I think that is what all moms want. But is it bad that I do prefer one sex to the other? I honestly do pray almost every night that at least one of these babies is a girl. I want the chance to raise a daughter. To be close to a daughter the way my mother and I are close. Just as there is something special about fathers and sons relationships, there is something special about mother daughter relationships. I guess maybe it really is just because you are the same gender, and have the same hormones. I really want a daughter. My mom has been my friend for my whole life. It's been special. And to her, being there when all of my children were born was extremely special. She said that it was so neat to see her flesh and blood give birth. I'd like to have that too, with a daughter of my own.

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