To say that going through the adoption process is a roller coaster of emotions is the understatement of the year. Last night at work and today have been difficult for me.
I am having severe swings of emotion. One minute I am overjoyed at the thought of finally getting the opportunity to be a parent. Then the next moment I am terribly saddened that someone is giving up their child so we can have one.
I feel as if I will benefit from Nadine's grief. I have literally felt an overwhelming sense of sadness at the thoughts of taking this wonderful woman's baby. I feel as if I am taking it from her, when in reality I know that she is asking us to take it. But still, in my heart, I know she will grieve for this baby once we have brought it to Kentucky.
Don't get me wrong, I want this baby and I will love it unconditionally for as long as I have a breath left in my body, but every once in a while I have a true sense of sadness for what Nadine must be feeling.
Although she says this is what she wants and what is best for the baby, it must hurt her deeply to do what she is doing. She is the bravest woman I have ever known, and I have the utmost respect and admiration for her and I will do my best to make sure this baby understands that someday.
I talked with Missy this evening about my feelings. She assured me they were completely normal. I explained to her that I was struggling with several different emotions all trying to surface simultaneously. Joy, excitement, and anticipation beyond belief........but at the same time I feel a huge loss for Nadine, and also at the same time I am so terribly afraid she will change her mind.
Right now I feel as if my heart has been put through a meat grinder and now I am trying to put the pieces back together. So many conflicting emotions, all battling for center stage. I cannot speak my feelings out loud because the words won't come, not without many tears, and right now I feel as if I have to try to not cry, but instead to deal with these feelings and process them in the proper manner or else I will just drive myself crazy before this is over.
James and I got the baby's registry list started. We will have more to add once we know the baby's gender, but for now it is enough to get a good start.
While we were choosing the registry items, it suddenly came to me that we had quite a few baby items that were bought for us during our last pregnancy. James went into the closet and got them out so we could go through everything. We had some bibs and burp cloth sets, 3 or 4 outfits that are for 6-9 months. There was a pair of little baby shoes.
I was doing fine until I ran across the bear that Shari sent us from Germany. She sent it in February of 2003 during my last pregnancy. It is a praying bear and when you squeeze it, it recites the "Now I lay me down to sleep" verse and it is in a small child's voice. Needless to say I cried.
I cried out of joy for the baby we are about to receive, but I also cried for the loss of my babies that I never got to hold. It was a bittersweet moment to say the least.
But ultimately I thank God for this opportunity that He has given both me and James. Without God, none of this would be possible, and without God by my side, I could never get through any of this.