Nic's Nerves

Our story, is probably not too rare.
My husband and I were married 2 1/2 years ago and decided that we wouldn't wait to start a family. My mother was extremely fertile so I never thought that I would have any problems conceiving. After 6 months I began to feel nervous. After persuading my Doc. to give us the battery of tests that they usually make you wait a year for we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.

Almost one year after our marriage we found that we were pregnant, and were over the moon. Unfortunately it was shortlived and at 6.5 weeks while on holiday I began to miscarry. I think I lost a large part of my heart that day. It took me a long time to get over it.

Over the next year, we tried chineese acupuncture which helped regulate my cycles and I took a mind body class which helped me get my emotions undercontrol. I began to meditate regularly listening to Jennifer Bloom's fertilty meditations www.anjionline.com and slowly came to a place of peace about our fertility journey.

I've had many thoughts over the past two years. I can't say how many times I've wished that the pregnancy test would just show positive. So many negatives, how hard would it be to have a positive! The month that I got pregnant after the first year, I knew I was pregnant before I checked the stick. My boobs were sore and I'd had funny aches in my tummy. I just new it, the test was just a confirmation.

In November I took a pregnancy test, not expecting any thing extraordinary and there it was...pregnant! I was totally suprised.

The next few days were long and painful, with every twinge I thought that I'd get a late period. I was terrified of loosing this one too. I booked an appointment with my Dr. but couldn't get in for a week. I couldn't imagine staying pregnant for an entire week! My fears were confirmed a few of days later when I felt that my boobs had got much less sore. I figured it was only time before I bled. I sat at work in my cubicle and couldn't stop crying. I had to excuse my self (via email so no one saw me) and went home.

I didn't start to bleed, but I did start to feel nauseus and my boobs got sore again. My Doc. ran some tests and said that my HCG was just fine and doubling on schedule. I was still pregnant.

I was really nervous about passing the 6.5 week mark that had been my miscarriage last time. Unfortunately it came over christmas surrounded by family. I was feeling really sick and would pretty much rather have been any where else as long as I could have been alone.

Each time I start to breathe a sigh of relief that the odds are getting better and that we'll be ok something happens to make me worry that I'll miscarry. One time it was quite bad cramps, yesterday I was worried because I was feeling better. Today I am nauseus again, so I feel reasured in my sickness.

I read somewhere that you are very unlikely to miscarry if you have morning sickness. I also read that by 8 weeks (which I am tomorrow) your chances of miscarrying have dropped to only 6% (Down from 15% at 6 weeks)

I keep telling my self to live in the now and to stop manifesting my past. I'm continuing to meditate and I tell my husband about my fears. My parent's know but no one else does. I recoil at the "Congratulations" it's just to early for me to accept "Congratulations" yet. I'm hoping that by the end of our first trimester I'll be better confident to deal with people.

Comments

Thank you for sharing. You pretty much summed up exactly how I feel and it is so reassuring to know that someone out there gets it. Thanks.

Wow, so I'm not the only one! I just found out a few days ago that I'm pregnant again, and I'm having a really hard time getting excited about it. I've had 3 miscarriages within the past year and half. This makes pregnancy #4 and I'm so hopeful that it will work, but I just can't help being cautious, scared, and really nervous. I logged on tonight because I've been struggling with my emotions. I was looking around the internet to see if I could find anyone else like me, not really expecting to find anyone that I could relate to. You can imagine my surprise when I found this entire blog that fits my situation exactly. Although I don't take comfort in the fact that so many of you have suffered like I have, I do find it comforting to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

I can totally relate to the "going to the bathroom to check" thing. My husband and I also have not really talked about this pregnancy much yet. He was excited when he found out, but not nearly as excited as he was in the past. We still told immediate family, because I believe it's important to have that support, in good situations or bad, but their reaction was a bit disappointing too.

My miscarriages have all been early (5-6 weeks and one "blighted ovum" that was discovered at 9 weeks), so I feel like I'm holding my breath. I keep telling myself that if I can make through 9 weeks, I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief. But then I get worried that I'm missing out on bonding time with my baby. I want to bond now, but I don't want to get hurt again.

I'm trying to stay positive. Thanks for listening and caring. Best wishes to everyone on here.

I've lost five babies in the last year and a half. I just found out a week ago that I was pregnant again. I feel different this time though, I honestly just don't think anything is going to go wrong this time. But I can't help be be afraid. My husband didn't even get excited when I told him, he's too wary at this point. I think I'm going to have to put our child in his arms before he'll let himself get attached.

Too all of you who have been where I am or are there currently, all I can say is thank you for sharing. I know it's helped me tremendously knowing I am not alone in feel joy and fear at the same time.

I have a two year old daughter. This past summer I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, and then had a blighted ovum in December (I didn't have a ultrasound until 10 weeks so I had no idea). I am now 8 weeks pregnant and horribly scared too! Just try to relax and hope for the best it's all you really can do!

I can totally relate to both of you !!! It's a scary feeling after a miscarriage to try to conceive again, cause you know that you want that child to love and care for but at what lengths are we willing to put our health and our mental state at.

I have had 3 miscarriages and I have two living children now my 5 year old son, and my 18 month old daughter. We recently just found out that we are pregnant and yesterday I was 5 weeks.

My daughters pregnancy was fine and although I have a feeling this one is ok, I still have that twinge that my heart goes into my stomach every time I go to the restroom.

I don't go to the doctors till the 31 of this month and it's taking forever to get here, I just want to make sure that everything is okay. I'm in paranoid state right now.

I have similar story to share... I had an unplanned pregnancy at age 19 and had easy, complication free full term experience. That was 14 years ago. I have now been married for almost 5 years and my husband and I gave up birth control about 3 years ago. We decided to not try to prevent but were not really focused on getting pregnant.

Then in Oct of this year we found out to our surprise that we were 5 weeks pregnant. We were both so happy. We had just bought a new house and I had just gotten opportunity to work from home. We thought how perfect that everything was falling into place. I had spotting around 4 weeks and 6 weeks. It was very light and my Dr said not to worry.

We had the vaginal ultrasound around 8 weeks and there was a fetus in the uterus with a very strong heartbeat. My Dr said everything was normal and not to worry.

I started bleeding on a regular basis right after that. At times it was heavy like a period. We went back and the Dr heard the heartbeat in his office and said again we were okay. I heard from other women that some bleeding is normal for some pregnancies.

I was starting to have my doubts. Something felt wrong to me. I was wearing pads everyday and getting more and more freaked out. I was having no cramps but yet the bleeding continued. I had period like bleeding for almost 2 weeks before I finally miscarried during the night at home around 10-11 weeks.

It was horribly painful and so upsetting. We had just told EVERYBODY a week before b/c we were at a family function and got pressured into making the announcement.
I sympathize with all of you who have gone through a miscarriage.

About a month later (Dec) I decided that I wanted more than anything to have another child. My DR told me to wait a couple months before trying again. I did some research and started realizing how hard it could be for some women to conceive. Since that had been our first pregnancy in 3 years of no birth control I freaked out since maybe we were going to have hard time too.

I had a normal period the week of Christmas. It was exactly one month after the miscarriage. I was positive due to it seemed my body was back to normal. I did some research and found that it takes people in my age group (33) an average of 6 months to a year to conceive. So I thought we should start right way.

Well....... it is January and I did not get a period last week and have taken 2 tests both coming back positive. According to due date calculator I am in week 5 now. I am in shock. I thought it would take a lot longer to happen again.

After my initial happiness wore off I am not getting nervous and scared. I am also checking for signs of blood each time I go to the bathroom. It is a horrible feeling but I guess very natural.

So it does help to hear all of your stories and know that I am not alone. So ladies stay positive b/c stress does not help.

Staying connected with other women will help us through this joyous yet scary time.

I feel for you as well. I have had 2 losses, one at 8 weeks and one at 7 weeks. I keep having empty sacs and am currently seeing a fertility specialist for help.

I have a 3-D ultrasound in a few days to have a look at my curved uterus to see if that is causing any problems. I am really nervous about this ultrasound because I have recently found out that I am again pregnant after a year of trying. I am so happy and also so afraid. I haven't told my doctor yet but I will during the ultrasound and maybe she can ease my mind. I hoping to see a fetal pole but will only be about 5 and a half weeks and not sure if it can be seen this early.

Fingers crossed

Take care of yourself and I wish you all the best.

Congratulations on seeing the positive test lasies. I too know and you have touched home. We have miscarried two times, so, as incredible this is for us to find that we are pregnant, it's extremely scary as well. The first time we miscarried we didn't know we were pregnant, but still a part of us died when we found out. The second time we were four months pregnant. I mean dammit I got morning and afternoon sickness everyday. So here we are we just found out days ago that we are pregnant. Meditation, breathing exercises,and praying are keeping me sane. I started to vocalize every pain with my partner, but he made the point of my paranoia taking over. When we see our OBGYN we will feel much relief and when the time is right our baby will be brought into this world. Ladies I wish you the best. My heart soul and belly are with you.

I feel your pain. I just found out I am pregnant after three miscarriages, and until you reach the 16 week mark the anxiety will not go away. For some reason though, I am less anxious this time. I am hoping that is a sign this pregnancy will be successful. Every wipe at the toilet is a twinge of nervousness that there will be blood. I pray that your pregnancy is successful. I have an eight year old son, and being a mom is the most amazing experience.

When is your due date? I am due about mid-September.
Good Luck!
Kacey

Thanks for your comment, I can't tell you how many times I too have gone to the bathroom "just to check". I think there is a definite need out there for advice / counseling / guided meditations. For newly pregnant women who have experienced a previous loss.
Take care of your self, I'll keep a finger crossed for you.