I was talking to my hubby a couple of nights ago and I told him that basically, I was going to be neurotic and paranoid for the first 12 weeks of this pregnancy and that everyone would just have to accept that that is the way things are. He sounded really surprised "But why?" So now it was my turn to sound surprised (how could he not know why?!?!?) so there was a touch of sarcasm in my answer. "hmmm I'm not sure if it was the first miscarriage that knocked my confidence or the two years of month in, month out trying to get pregnant, but somewhere along the line I learned the lesson that pregnancy wasn't easy for us."
"But why can't you believe that you are going to be a mother? Why don't you look to the positive instead of the negative all the time?"
Later I was thinking about what he said, and I realised he was absolutely right. I have a bad habit of over analysing my emotions, of turning little molehills into entire ranges of snow capped craggy mountains. His gift is to keep looking at life with the same joy and exhilaration as a child. He has never taken a meditation or yoga class in his life, yet apparently he has a lot to teach me about being present.
The reality is that there is no particular reason why I should miscarry again this time. We were unlucky last time but if I Google “Risk Factors for having a Miscarriage” then I can quite clearly see that I don’t belong in a high risk group. So my husband is absolutely right... “Why can’t I believe that I am going to be a mother this time?” There really is no particular reason that I should be more at risk than any of the other millions of pregnant women in their first trimester today.
Unfortunately “Googling” is what I have spent a lot of time doing recently. I bet you that there aren’t many websites covering Miscarriages that I haven’t read looking for information that will make me feel more secure in my pregnancy. If you’re thinking of trying it – don’t. Each website contradicts the last one so every time I read something that indicates I am at risk, I immediately go hunting for something to disprove the first website. What a waste of time that is for me! I think, I may actually be looking for a website that says. “Dear Nic, you will have a healthy baby.... It’s what you’ve always wanted - so get over it.” Even then, I’d probably keep hunting :-)
I got Jennifer Bloome’s newsletter today and she talked about surrendering. It really resonated with me. I have been lucky enough to go on an incredible fertility journey over the past 2 years that has taken me spiritually to a place that I would never have found on my own. That was high school. Now I’m at college. the lessons are much harder and I have to learn to apply everything I learned in a more challenging situation. I need to take the incredible tools that I learned on my fertility journey and then let the journey go. It is now part of my past. I need to surrender to the present, the universe will dictate what is right and what is the next step. If the universe chooses to take my baby away from me again, then it is because it is the right thing for my baby... but there I go again, looking at the negative side. My goal for the next few days is to practice just surrendering.
I admit that I’m not very good yet, but if I practice I trust I’ll get there.