Nic's Nerves

Our story, is probably not too rare.
My husband and I were married 2 1/2 years ago and decided that we wouldn't wait to start a family. My mother was extremely fertile so I never thought that I would have any problems conceiving. After 6 months I began to feel nervous. After persuading my Doc. to give us the battery of tests that they usually make you wait a year for we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility.

Almost one year after our marriage we found that we were pregnant, and were over the moon. Unfortunately it was shortlived and at 6.5 weeks while on holiday I began to miscarry. I think I lost a large part of my heart that day. It took me a long time to get over it.

Over the next year, we tried chineese acupuncture which helped regulate my cycles and I took a mind body class which helped me get my emotions undercontrol. I began to meditate regularly listening to Jennifer Bloom's fertilty meditations www.anjionline.com and slowly came to a place of peace about our fertility journey.

I've had many thoughts over the past two years. I can't say how many times I've wished that the pregnancy test would just show positive. So many negatives, how hard would it be to have a positive! The month that I got pregnant after the first year, I knew I was pregnant before I checked the stick. My boobs were sore and I'd had funny aches in my tummy. I just new it, the test was just a confirmation.

In November I took a pregnancy test, not expecting any thing extraordinary and there it was...pregnant! I was totally suprised.

The next few days were long and painful, with every twinge I thought that I'd get a late period. I was terrified of loosing this one too. I booked an appointment with my Dr. but couldn't get in for a week. I couldn't imagine staying pregnant for an entire week! My fears were confirmed a few of days later when I felt that my boobs had got much less sore. I figured it was only time before I bled. I sat at work in my cubicle and couldn't stop crying. I had to excuse my self (via email so no one saw me) and went home.

I didn't start to bleed, but I did start to feel nauseus and my boobs got sore again. My Doc. ran some tests and said that my HCG was just fine and doubling on schedule. I was still pregnant.

I was really nervous about passing the 6.5 week mark that had been my miscarriage last time. Unfortunately it came over christmas surrounded by family. I was feeling really sick and would pretty much rather have been any where else as long as I could have been alone.

Each time I start to breathe a sigh of relief that the odds are getting better and that we'll be ok something happens to make me worry that I'll miscarry. One time it was quite bad cramps, yesterday I was worried because I was feeling better. Today I am nauseus again, so I feel reasured in my sickness.

I read somewhere that you are very unlikely to miscarry if you have morning sickness. I also read that by 8 weeks (which I am tomorrow) your chances of miscarrying have dropped to only 6% (Down from 15% at 6 weeks)

I keep telling my self to live in the now and to stop manifesting my past. I'm continuing to meditate and I tell my husband about my fears. My parent's know but no one else does. I recoil at the "Congratulations" it's just to early for me to accept "Congratulations" yet. I'm hoping that by the end of our first trimester I'll be better confident to deal with people.

Comments

I must say I am glad to know someone is literally going through the same emotions I am. I miscarried at 8 weeks last time and now, I am 5 weeks. Every time I feel "normal" I get really scared, and every time I used the restroom I am in fear of finding blood. But, I keep telling myself to relax, and I feel better knowing I am not alone in my concerns. My first doctors appointment is in the next few days, I am hoping to find some reassurance then.

Thank you for sharing. Good luck and God bless!