Our journey another time around

Swirlee9's picture

We are about to travel down the path of trying to conceive again. We were eight weeks along when I miscarried on June 22nd. Prior to that, it took us six months to conceive. I have had a lot of issues with difficult and irregular cycles since I was a teenager. I was on the Depo shot and had an IUD to help with issues, so I of course had a lot of fear that we wouldn't be able to get pregnant. I know in the grand scheme of things, six months is not long at all, but those months put a lot of stress on us. We have been married just under a year (September 27th) but have been together quite a while. We decided to start trying after just three months of marriage. I am 30 and my husband turns 32 this week so we just want to get going. I have wanted kids for several years but I obviously wanted to wait. Sometimes I regret waiting...

So back to the topic at hand...my period started yesterday approximately six weeks following the miscarriage. The M/C was the worst experience of my life. Not just the emotional pain, but the physical pain. I was out of work for several days (I had taken two sick days in the five years prior) and most of the women at work found out why. I don't mind that, but it was hard having to relive things over and over. People looked at me like I was broken, like they didn't know what to do or say. I still have days where I am devastated. At this point, I would have been at the point of telling people and possibly be starting to show. When I see someone who is pregnant, my heart still breaks. Even spending time with other people's infants tugs at me a little. Some days I feel that my husband is completely over it...actually, I feel like that most of the time. Even last night...we were at a party and I discovered that he had blabbed to some people the last time we were over that I was pregnant (the day we found out). So of course, someone asked and I had to deal with it all over again. He just stood there, stone faced, and couldn't understand why it upset me so much. This has happened more than once. The man is not known for showing his emotions, but losing our first child...I would think that would do something to him.

I am so scared that it's going to happen again that I cringe some days when he touches me. We agreed to start again this cycle. I have a feeling it's going to be a while again and I don't know how long it will take for me to be secure. Several friends have had accidental pregnancies that have turned out perfectly. How come when we are ready and have planned that it doesn't work?