Pamela's Journey

It's amazing that I have spent most of my life trying NOT to get pregnant. I thought since my mom was one of thirteen kids and I'm one of five that my genetic chances of conceiving were pretty good. Last year I decided to go off of birth control and my period stopped coming as well. I am in the military and I deployed to Iraq in September of last year. Before the deployment I took birth control again because I was getting anthrax shots and was scared of getting pregnant and injuring my unborn child. I got my period just like any regular girl would. During my deployment I stopped taking birth control again and my period once again stopped. I returned home from Iraq in February and my period still didn't return. My husband was also deployed and he came home in May from Iraq. In June, I finally went to see the doctor about my lack of periods. I had a vaginal pap smear and it came back normal. He told me to stop working out so much and gain weight. (I run 6 days a week, anywhere from 6-10 miles daily...I call it my stress relief from work) I left for a military school in August and once I returned home, I decided to turn up the getting pregnant heat. I took birth control in October to start my period. Then I started taking 100 mg of clomid. It was so disappointing looking at negative ovulation tests morning after morning. Some days there was no line even present. I went in for a HSG test where they fill you full of dye and look at your fallopian tubes and ovaries. The test was fine and revealed no complications. My doctor decided to do another month of 100 mg of clomid. This month the side effects of clomid were horrendous. I had the worst hot flashes and emotional breakdowns. I have even started asking myself "Do I really want to get pregnant?" On top of those side effects I have developed adult acne. This week was ovulation testing week and the tests were definitely darker and the lines were present. I just didn't have a glaring indication that one of them was positive. We were both hoping to be pregnant by Christmas to surprise our families with the good news. I am just so worried that it's never going to happen for us. My husband will deploy again in February and won't be home until July. Being in the military, I almost feel like there is a "pause" button on life sometimes. I am just ready to hit "play."