paranoia

canada-alana's picture

So, I'm not sure if this saved the old blog I put up, since I didn't come back for quite some time after I posted, and I vaguely recall getting an email from pregnancy.org informing me of the deletion of said account due to inactivity... regardless, I'm back and I have some good news.

Pregnant again. Took the test a couple of days before i was due and it came back (faintly) positive. Took another few tests as the days went and they got progressively stronger and faster. I took this as a positive sign, as last time I didn't test positive until a couple of days after my period was supposed to arrive. (side note, if the old blog got deleted I miscarried in november on my husbands 30th birthday). I have much stronger signs this time. Last time around I thought I was just one of those "lucky" girls who didn't get morning sickness.

But I'm super super nervous this time. Every little tweak and twing i feel from my pelvic region puts me into freak-out mode. Is that a cramp? Is it happening again? Am I bleeding?
The second I feel the slightest iota of stress I am in a frenzied panic to calm down and relax.
As soon as my nausea passes, the anxiety starts to set in. All of the sudden, I love the feeling of the illness, the tender breasts, I long to vomit, just so I know that the hormones are there and things are progressing.

I have become a paranoid sadist, always on the egde, but to afraid to do anything and constantly monitoring every slight message my body might have for me.

4 weeks and 2 days in and counting the seconds to the next trimester so i can relax.

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